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[ He nods, gratitude evident, and he puts down the tin to have for later. There's an actual small tingle of excitement that grows from what he hears, and thinking on it as well. ]

I've never done that with someone else! I know how to share energy between my pokémon, and I've done it once or twice with other people. I wonder what it feels like?

[ He wonders, and he takes off a pokéball from his belt into his hand, red and white, and then looks down to the log in suggestion. ] Should we sit?

[ Or would Komaeda like to do this standing? ]

Yes, we should sit. [He sits down on the log with one hand to brace himself and offers his left hand. In one slow breath his mind is clear. His formulas aren't the same as they used to be. The philosophies of his teacher affected how he shares energy, especially healing energy.]

I'm still new to doing it this new way but I feel it's very effective! I...well, if we're all part of the whole. It's as simple as a touch to pass energy on. One star dims a little as the other brightens until we all glow at the same level.

Ah, I hope that's not too confusing...

[ Red takes the hand gingerly once he's sat and it's offered, even if really, a hand from Komaeda is one he would readily take in any scenario before most others. His palm against the older boy's offers no hesitation in its touch, instead a muted anticipation along the surface, turning into a soft sense of trust as his hand relaxes into the hold, a comfort in the companionship.

His ears were taking in his words, which distracts him for a moment to consider. Stars dimming and glowing... he tries to understand it himself. However-- ]

Part of what whole? [ He was willing to listen, confusing as it currently was to him. ]

Life. Every one of us has a spark of life inside us. Anything living anyway. In that way we're all connected! [He draws a diagram in his mind with the brillant light of the stars and their constellations spreading out in his mind's eye. Silver light rises from him like smoke from a fire. Red's trust in him might make this easier. He always does better when the one he's sharing with believes in him, even if it might be just a spark of trust.]

You and I are also bonded by friendship and likewise all your friends about you right now, are also bonded to you that way. [His emotional energy filled with a potent hope for the future flows through him and down his arm. It runs slowly over towards Red, waiting for him to take it up.]

Just let it flow through you into your friends you want healed. Together we form a small river of life.

[ There was a poetry to what Komaeda said, how he said it, a picturesque way that could remind him of Cilan with time and thought, though the delivery and the manner was different to distinguish them. Instead, Red's hand squeezes at his with that flow seeping into him and sweeping out, taken in first of the sensation of another's hopes broken down into something physical, magical.

It feels raw in his body, almost too much to do anything with than make his heart shudder with its presence, until he releases the breath he had been holding onto and truly accepts it, letting his shoulders fall. Eyes closing, the stars shine brighter in their sky. The silver light becomes joined by a teal sheen, the same kind that wraps itself around the ball in Red's other hand, and to those of the balls still tucked away on his belt with a moment of time. It dances between their hands, a mix of hopes joining -- Red's hope for the now, traced with an appreciation. So much emotion at once, with a starry sight, it reminds Red of a night...

A night that he sees in flashes: Komaeda there in his festival clothing, weaving stars and dancing his hand between the lights; fragments of conversation leaving his lips, the laugh he gave when Red told him the wish about the Arehtei and their assortment of hats; the way his heart had felt full in his chest, the sight of two hands with fingers linked during what might be a dance with the budding warmth the colour of red-- ]

[ And all the while the effects bolster, the pokéball in his hand coated in a brilliant green and the lights around Komaeda amplified entirely, hopes and appreciation like an overwhelming bubble around them when, in Komaeda's effort to share his gift, it's shared back his way tenfold like a growing wave. It all comes to an end when Red breaks apart their hold, the emotion and the power with it too much, his heart beating rapidly inside his chest and his cheeks flushed, going to grab at his chest as he attempts to regain control of his breath. ]

I-- I'm sorry. I don't know what happened!

[Komaeda's hands settle on Red's shoulders and his voice is soft the way one talks to a small bird to make sure it feels safe.]

We shared. It's alright. [From his experience when one person is given a gift of warmth and hope, they want to share it. Like a river those feelings flow from one person to the next and build on each other. It can be overwhelming. His breathing is still quick and his heart drumming inside his chest.]

You did very well! We should see how your friends are doing now. Yes?

[ Komaeda's shadow is cast over him. He can agree with what he says, but he doesn't move, the pokéball safely in his hand but staying put in its place. Where lights and pleasantry had been between them, the air shifts in Red's aimless gaze on some part of the white-haired guy's shirt -- his mind still cartwheeling over the emotions, how much there had been, how overwhelming.

It's left, but a different energy shivers off from his shoulders. The air is thick-- or thinning, as the oxygen levels fluctuate around him, his own mouth opening to words heavy coming out. ]

...Have you ever been overwhelmed by an emotion that it nearly destroyed you?

[ Charizard's head has risen, a low growl of concern coming from him and the fire at the end of his tail sparking with a new life. Red doesn't wait for his answer. He leaves Komaeda's hold, grunting as he stands to walk and crouch just a few steps away from the pair of them, cradling the ball close to his chest. Breathing, and calming. Trying not to think about the heat from just the other day, how easily everything could fall apart, his stare now aimless somewhere else. From the high or the emotions, they've dipped down into the ground. ]

[The air shifts so fast that only the lingering warmth in his chest is a hint that it existed at all. Komaeda sobers, and forces his hands to rest on either side of him. Sometimes he has problems where it feels like only physical pain could fix the fractures in his mind. It's become common place these days that someone will grab his hands, or his wrists to prevent it. But that doesn't mean he can't stop himself...most of the time.]

...

[He starts to speak and falls silent. There's no Hinata to hug him and speak in soft tones, but the memory is enough that he doesn't feel the familiar sense of shame that accompanies thinking about the action.]

In more times of my life than I can recall on hand. [His fingers twitch. He digs them into the bark but not hard enough to cause pain.]

What happened?

[ It was a question given without thought. One that only a speck of the regret that should be running through him emerges, if not already fighting over the fear that messes with the oxygen around himself. Calm. This is what he learnt to be calm for. This and so much more.

He doesn't want to answer, head turned in Komaeda's direction but not enough to see him, nor any attempt made to than at the grass slowly drying, nearly without notice. But when he's already given an answer, not to share one -- it felt wrong. Could he trust Komaeda, though? Was Komaeda the problem, or himself? Gundam had seen how naive his trust was, how easily handed out. It was worthless.

The ball rests against his belly. He didn't have to say much. ]

...I lost control when Sosyne attacked. ... I could've killed someone.

[ Those words leave his mouth too without thought. Why he chose that over anything else, to bring up that point--

Or maybe he does, turning now, a guest in his own body. He lets himself fall into a sitting position, Charizard looking his way but Red not meeting his eye. He tries to meet Komaeda's, spotting his hands at his sides but not recognising the action. ]

I attacked someone months after. Peromei's other representative. He got angry at me and I lost it. I didn't know what I was doing until it was over.

[ The words are dry, cold, his look near blank if not for his wavering gaze. There's a rising flush to his face despite it, speaking true for the hard-beating of his heart. The grass is browning. ]

I could do the same to you.

[ It sounds like neither threat nor warning, but it was in truth one of them. ]

You could. [His voice is mild but, it gives nothing away. Komaeda's face might as well have been carved from stone. Yet his eyes hold no fear in them. The fact lays on the table as he speaks up.]

Every member of my class could wake up tomorrow and remember what we once were. Why we fell.

[Darkness rises from him as if he were the heart of a storm. Chains rattle as something growls, utterly inhuman and holding no love for anything. Red is showing the darkness within him, so he does the same becoming Servant again. The chain clinks as it hits the grass. He radiates terrible despair and a power that comes only from death.]

But that isn't all there is to us, or to you. Besides.

[He leans forward and his eyes are still the same as before. The thick shadows and black chains turning to silver fire that swirls around him, his power made manifest.] I would stop you. Not just for my own sake.

Edited 2016-09-09 18:50 (UTC)

[ Moisture fills the air, a damp blanket to the grass that can't be saved by water alone, grief in the streaks. Darkness doesn't surround him as strongly as it does Komaeda, but light dims, broken some by the burning of Charizard's tail as the beast moves on quick steps, body not even rising properly, to curl himself at Red's back, growling louder. None of it aimed at Komaeda, but the very presence of the physical manifestation of their emotions. Of Red's.

Orange fires turn to blue. Red doesn't speak, a hand finding the ground, but refusing to move the ball away from himself in the other. He takes in once the changed form, remembering it, his heart stuttering in his chest from what else it summons.

He knew of despair and death, intertwined, before the mark that Junko had left in plans. Etched deeper inside him, more personal and terrifying than what anyone else could inflict. It scared him to even sense a glimpse of it there in the older guy, to be able to even reach out and touch and recall those days. Those days when he didn't want to be alive, when he didn't think he deserved to be alive. Alive when everyone else stayed dead. A breath rattles out from his throat, gravity all but refusing to exist in the bubble of his person.

I shouldn't be here, whispers a voice over the link unknowingly, straight out of his thoughts. His face paints the fear that was existing there the entire time, his body sinking with his head bowing. The air might be suffocating around him, but his voice still finds a way to come out. ]

I don't know what I'm doing. [ It rung true in a lot of ways, but his meaning was for his actions now, here. Speaking about things he knew he shouldn't. Bringing out things that didn't need to be shown. The dirt under his fingers feel like sand when he scrapes at it to curl his hand, the smell of burning not helping. ]

I might have this wrong but it looks like you wanted someone to understand. Or at the very least to talk to someone who knows what it is like to be terrified of yourself. [Komaeda rises from the log and walks slowly forward to crouch before Red. His awful aura has subsided entirely, but the form remains.]

I'll listen. And as you can see, [He makes an all encompassing gesture to indicate all of himself.] I have no room to judge.

[ There's plenty of words on his lips. All things he wants to say as he shamefully looks at Komaeda, then away, something comforting in about his presence that Red doesn't know if he should be encouraging to leave. Komaeda could go. He doesn't need to be here. He shouldn't want him here to see him overreact so badly after he had been helping him and his pokémon.

Red wraps the free hand around one of his legs, trying to find some rhythm of breath, to calm, at a time when his ribcage feels locked up tight. It makes the pressure around him change to his breathing, but barely. ]

I'm scared of hurting people. ... I'm scared of losing control. [ It would be softly said, if not for the way his voice is laced with shame that makes the air heavier around him. He closes his eyes. ] ...Can you give me a minute?

[ But then, after a beat- ] You don't need to stay.

[ There was still time for him to leave. ]

Take as long as you need. [He retreats but, only as far as the log. Komaeda shuts his eyes. He could discard this form right now. Yet he has a feeling this version of himself is needed. As a reminder of just who Red is talking to and how he can relate.]

It's alright. There's no need to be afraid while I'm here. But, I trust you. I don't think you will do that.

[ It's difficult in that time. Red opens his eyes once to know that Komaeda's really there, and then wonders why he is, why he's bothering to stay, in a way that he knows is his emotions thinking for him. He tries to shut them up with the rest that want to drag him down, and not thinking at all is the only way he knows to do it.

His mind never makes it easy. Charizard curls his log neck to meet Red's knee, refusing to be daunted by his unstable emotions, and he finally drops the ball to the safety of his lap to feel his starter under his hand. The fire of his tail has calmed, but Red can hear another in his ears. Another fire, burning with life inside that body.

It helps. When he opens his eyes, he keeps them on the pokémon. But in time, he finally speaks. ]

...I'm sorry. [ It seems like the best place to start. ] Since that day, I get worried about feeling too much of an emotion. People sell goods infused with emotions-- love, hope, joy. The thought of using them... it scares me.

I should've been more careful.

You don't have to use them. [Worried about feeling too much. He scratches at his chin as he mulls that over. He can relate to that.] But, I can relate to what you're talking about. My condition...it dulled my emotions.

I never knew anything else so when I healed myself... [Komaeda spreads his hands apart with a careless little shrug.] I almost blinded myself. I had mood swings. It was pretty bad for a while! But...it was nice too.

I did learn to control myself again. There's a lot of energy to weave but maybe...have you tried Dunamis?

Edited 2016-09-14 04:34 (UTC)

[ Use dunamis... It's an explanation he wants to hear, but he thinks to wait on it for then. ] I learned dunamis to help when it gets out of control. I learned calming exercises too. Running, meditation... I do them every day.

[ It wasn't even something he talked to Cilan about, done away from the other trainer; it seemed troublesome to get into with him, to burden him more than he already has. To burden it with anyone, really. There were only two who really knew, and they were both gone now.

He traces a finger into the dusty earth in front of him, dipped in like it were sand. ]

Dunamis can't stop me from being afraid of being like that again. [ All his fingers go in, and they pull up the dirt. It falls like soot. ] The day Sosyne attacked...changed me. I have to live with who I've become because of it.

That's true. [There's no sense sugar coating. He doesn't believe in hiding the truth in colorful lies either.] That fear is yours and only you can banish it. But, do you let it rule how you live?

[He watches Red's face carefully. He hasn't shed his despair form. He'll keep it the whole conversation at this rate.] That's when it becomes a problem.

[ He doesn't clear the dirt clinging under his nails and over his fingers when he brings it back to himself, his chin lifting to finally meet the gaze that he already hears in Komaeda's voice. There's something more solid now about Red's own, a voice heavier with a spine for the belief he's about to speak with. ]

You wouldn't have seen me in Piphron's land if I did. I wouldn't have gone. [ A pause, and then the look drops, even if his head doesn't. ]

I wouldn't be a trainer. [ It was the way his mind was going, back then. ]

[He doesn't look away. Under Red's gaze he returns to looking like Red knows best. The fit and steady Komaeda, representative of Peromei. He leans back on his hands.] I believe you and in you.

I can help if you'd like on more ways to master yourself. You're familiar with what balance does here, right? It's that fear to temper your courage that will protect you from ever falling again.

And if you ever did, I'm come to stop you. Because that's what friends do for one another. [He looks to Charizard and dips his head in respect.]

Isn't that right? At the very least between your Pokemon friends and human friends, we'll all help you if that is the case. But, I believe in your strength as well.

Edited 2016-09-15 16:15 (UTC)

[ It's strange to see the past leave for the present, but what strikes Red more are Komaeda's words than the re-emergence of the form he knows. He hears Charizard's huff of air in his acknowledge of Komaeda, and then feels him as his head comes to rub at his cheek, catching Red off and his hands coming to find that angular face.

It's warm. It's always there, despite how much he can never let these scars go. He can't help but be apologetic to the pokémon, more deserved to be a mess than he, but more thankful for his ever presence, pressing their faces in with eyes closed. The emotional effects around him ebb away, a light humidity persisting, but Charizard there to keep them warm. ]

... Thank you. [ His eyes meet with Komaeda with those two words, face still pressed close to his partner. ] All I wanted... was for you to not see me as weak. You could've walked away... I would have accepted it. [ The gaze drops, his mouth tightening with his brow. ]

Emizel... we got into an argument. He threw electricity at me by accident in anger, and the anger set me off. He had every right to be angry at me, but when we talked later and he said he thought I meant it... he thought that was me.

[ It hurts. His voice deepens, some attempt to stop it from cracking. ] I was selfish. Our argument was about some guy and he just cared about whose side I was taking! I wouldn't do that to anyone! I wouldn't! That isn't me!

[ But it cracks regardless, it turns hollow, as the pain spills out along with the haze of his sight and the wet air. He breathes in a breath that would be sharp, but instead it bubbles in his throat, and Red leans back into Charizard, the pokémon's neck curling to allow his head to rest under his chin. ]

I told him I got attacked that day. He told me he got attacked too. [ Fingers press into scaly skin. He sees the line he won't be able to backtrack if he crosses it, but his defences are already down. It only takes a pause for him to continue. ] But I lied... I died. I got blinded by my anger and Charizard paid the price for it as well.

[ He wipes his face roughly with a hand, not bothering to hide from Komaeda when he looks back at him. Blotchy and wet, his upset make his muscles tense. ]

But that isn't true either. I snapped out of it before we were killed. We... before we died, I stopped. I was thinking...

'I don't want to kill anyone.'

[ There's a smile that grows on his face with those words, and his shoulders shudder once with a laugh in his throat, before his head bows to the horns below. He'll have more to say, even if Komaeda decides to be silent. There was still plenty to say, to explain and return to, a mess of points strewn around by emotion. ]

[He gets up and closes the distance between them in a few easy strides. Red might not react well to it but he wants to be there for him in more than just a distant way. He holds out his left hand for him to take and hold on to. If he'll take it.]

Dying is difficult. Ah, from experience it feels like...something breaks in your head. What you thought you knew. What you want. All these glittering shards of a crystal that...

[He shakes his head. The memories linger in his mind like morning fog. He had planned his death. He'd carried out the wounds on his person with a methodical precision and bore the pain he brought himself. It had been his own execution for all the despair he'd caused and what he had permitted himself to do.]

...I don't see you as weak or selfish. You're just a man, but one that chose not to fight anymore. I can't say much about Emizel. I'm always the lone representative of Peromei at council functions. But, if we disagreed on a matter...I would never attack you no matter how angry I was.

Maybe it's different for his kind! I don't know. I don't expect us to always agree. In fact I know you and I have had different opinions before! That's part of friendship, no, part of any relationship. Do you know how often I disagree with people close to me? Or how often the council argues? Some of those treaty sessions I imagined everyone in the room was five years old and banging on the table like little brats.

...ah, sorry I got carried away. Please continue.

Edited 2016-09-15 22:25 (UTC)

[ The alert of hurting Komaeda through the supply of that emotion is gone now, and when Komaeda approaches him, extends him that hand, it's by an uncertainty that makes him not know if to take it. It was a strange offer to see, when perhaps it shouldn't be. For he understands after that moment its meaning, and takes a hold of it gingerly.

Some of the damp air fades away, through some better control of dunamis coming through. ]

Mm. [ A noise, to indicate he didn't mind. ] Things had been hard for him at the time. That day had been the first I'd seen him happy in a while. [ He doesn't know if he should be holding this hand, but for the time that he is, he's tracing a thumb over Komaeda's skin, showing more colour than it had been not long ago.

But then he stops, just so he can squeeze it, no longer the concern about what he deserved on his mind when he lifts his eyes to Komaeda. The hold was now no longer for him. ]

...Did you die here?

[ It's a question asked softly. ]

No. As you know, my class and I were once Enoshima's arrows of despair. We flew where she willed, thinking it our own will. In a way it was. I'm not entirely sure why we broke. But I remember the feeling that I was fostering despair and claiming it was in the name of hope's birth.

[He looks down at their joined hands as if seeing them for the first time. The sounds of war, where the wounded and the dying cry as loud as the fighters themselves echo in his ears. He smiles faintly.]

We were put into a program that removed our memories of that time all the way back to our very first day of school. A computerized version of Enoshima's mind was implanted and...

She set up a 'game' forcing us to kill each other. At the time I still believed that despair great enough could lead to hope. That the clash of everyone's hopes, might birth the Ultimate Hope. ...I found a file.

It told me all that we actually were. It wasn't a road leading to hope but a pathway to remaking us as even better weapons. I was still obsessed, alone, and I won't justify a single thing of what I did! You see... [He swallows and forces himself to look up into Red's eyes.]

When someone died in the 'killing game' we held a trial. That was the rule. We proved who did it, or we would all die. I sought to create a murder that none of them could solve.

I didn't want to live. Not with what I'd done or what I was. Nor was I going to allow 'Ultimate Despair', all of it, to leave the program. [His courage fails and he looks away, his eyes hidden by the fall of his bangs. It's nice that his hair works with him for once.] I was the very thing I hated. So I...set up my own murder. But really, it was suicide by complicated circumstances.

Back home, I'm hooked to a machine in a coma. There's no telling if I'll wake or not.

Edited 2016-09-15 23:15 (UTC)

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I thought I replied to this. I'm so sorry.

it's ok!

Cw: self harm mentions

cw: trauma, violence

cw: trauma and spoilers for DR2 and DR UDG

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my inbox needs to stop eating important things

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CW: suicide talk DR2 chapter 5 spoilers

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Cw: suicide talk DR2 spoilers