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You don't have to use them. [Worried about feeling too much. He scratches at his chin as he mulls that over. He can relate to that.] But, I can relate to what you're talking about. My condition...it dulled my emotions.

I never knew anything else so when I healed myself... [Komaeda spreads his hands apart with a careless little shrug.] I almost blinded myself. I had mood swings. It was pretty bad for a while! But...it was nice too.

I did learn to control myself again. There's a lot of energy to weave but maybe...have you tried Dunamis?

Edited 2016-09-14 04:34 (UTC)

[ Use dunamis... It's an explanation he wants to hear, but he thinks to wait on it for then. ] I learned dunamis to help when it gets out of control. I learned calming exercises too. Running, meditation... I do them every day.

[ It wasn't even something he talked to Cilan about, done away from the other trainer; it seemed troublesome to get into with him, to burden him more than he already has. To burden it with anyone, really. There were only two who really knew, and they were both gone now.

He traces a finger into the dusty earth in front of him, dipped in like it were sand. ]

Dunamis can't stop me from being afraid of being like that again. [ All his fingers go in, and they pull up the dirt. It falls like soot. ] The day Sosyne attacked...changed me. I have to live with who I've become because of it.

That's true. [There's no sense sugar coating. He doesn't believe in hiding the truth in colorful lies either.] That fear is yours and only you can banish it. But, do you let it rule how you live?

[He watches Red's face carefully. He hasn't shed his despair form. He'll keep it the whole conversation at this rate.] That's when it becomes a problem.

[ He doesn't clear the dirt clinging under his nails and over his fingers when he brings it back to himself, his chin lifting to finally meet the gaze that he already hears in Komaeda's voice. There's something more solid now about Red's own, a voice heavier with a spine for the belief he's about to speak with. ]

You wouldn't have seen me in Piphron's land if I did. I wouldn't have gone. [ A pause, and then the look drops, even if his head doesn't. ]

I wouldn't be a trainer. [ It was the way his mind was going, back then. ]

[He doesn't look away. Under Red's gaze he returns to looking like Red knows best. The fit and steady Komaeda, representative of Peromei. He leans back on his hands.] I believe you and in you.

I can help if you'd like on more ways to master yourself. You're familiar with what balance does here, right? It's that fear to temper your courage that will protect you from ever falling again.

And if you ever did, I'm come to stop you. Because that's what friends do for one another. [He looks to Charizard and dips his head in respect.]

Isn't that right? At the very least between your Pokemon friends and human friends, we'll all help you if that is the case. But, I believe in your strength as well.

Edited 2016-09-15 16:15 (UTC)

[ It's strange to see the past leave for the present, but what strikes Red more are Komaeda's words than the re-emergence of the form he knows. He hears Charizard's huff of air in his acknowledge of Komaeda, and then feels him as his head comes to rub at his cheek, catching Red off and his hands coming to find that angular face.

It's warm. It's always there, despite how much he can never let these scars go. He can't help but be apologetic to the pokémon, more deserved to be a mess than he, but more thankful for his ever presence, pressing their faces in with eyes closed. The emotional effects around him ebb away, a light humidity persisting, but Charizard there to keep them warm. ]

... Thank you. [ His eyes meet with Komaeda with those two words, face still pressed close to his partner. ] All I wanted... was for you to not see me as weak. You could've walked away... I would have accepted it. [ The gaze drops, his mouth tightening with his brow. ]

Emizel... we got into an argument. He threw electricity at me by accident in anger, and the anger set me off. He had every right to be angry at me, but when we talked later and he said he thought I meant it... he thought that was me.

[ It hurts. His voice deepens, some attempt to stop it from cracking. ] I was selfish. Our argument was about some guy and he just cared about whose side I was taking! I wouldn't do that to anyone! I wouldn't! That isn't me!

[ But it cracks regardless, it turns hollow, as the pain spills out along with the haze of his sight and the wet air. He breathes in a breath that would be sharp, but instead it bubbles in his throat, and Red leans back into Charizard, the pokémon's neck curling to allow his head to rest under his chin. ]

I told him I got attacked that day. He told me he got attacked too. [ Fingers press into scaly skin. He sees the line he won't be able to backtrack if he crosses it, but his defences are already down. It only takes a pause for him to continue. ] But I lied... I died. I got blinded by my anger and Charizard paid the price for it as well.

[ He wipes his face roughly with a hand, not bothering to hide from Komaeda when he looks back at him. Blotchy and wet, his upset make his muscles tense. ]

But that isn't true either. I snapped out of it before we were killed. We... before we died, I stopped. I was thinking...

'I don't want to kill anyone.'

[ There's a smile that grows on his face with those words, and his shoulders shudder once with a laugh in his throat, before his head bows to the horns below. He'll have more to say, even if Komaeda decides to be silent. There was still plenty to say, to explain and return to, a mess of points strewn around by emotion. ]

[He gets up and closes the distance between them in a few easy strides. Red might not react well to it but he wants to be there for him in more than just a distant way. He holds out his left hand for him to take and hold on to. If he'll take it.]

Dying is difficult. Ah, from experience it feels like...something breaks in your head. What you thought you knew. What you want. All these glittering shards of a crystal that...

[He shakes his head. The memories linger in his mind like morning fog. He had planned his death. He'd carried out the wounds on his person with a methodical precision and bore the pain he brought himself. It had been his own execution for all the despair he'd caused and what he had permitted himself to do.]

...I don't see you as weak or selfish. You're just a man, but one that chose not to fight anymore. I can't say much about Emizel. I'm always the lone representative of Peromei at council functions. But, if we disagreed on a matter...I would never attack you no matter how angry I was.

Maybe it's different for his kind! I don't know. I don't expect us to always agree. In fact I know you and I have had different opinions before! That's part of friendship, no, part of any relationship. Do you know how often I disagree with people close to me? Or how often the council argues? Some of those treaty sessions I imagined everyone in the room was five years old and banging on the table like little brats.

...ah, sorry I got carried away. Please continue.

Edited 2016-09-15 22:25 (UTC)

[ The alert of hurting Komaeda through the supply of that emotion is gone now, and when Komaeda approaches him, extends him that hand, it's by an uncertainty that makes him not know if to take it. It was a strange offer to see, when perhaps it shouldn't be. For he understands after that moment its meaning, and takes a hold of it gingerly.

Some of the damp air fades away, through some better control of dunamis coming through. ]

Mm. [ A noise, to indicate he didn't mind. ] Things had been hard for him at the time. That day had been the first I'd seen him happy in a while. [ He doesn't know if he should be holding this hand, but for the time that he is, he's tracing a thumb over Komaeda's skin, showing more colour than it had been not long ago.

But then he stops, just so he can squeeze it, no longer the concern about what he deserved on his mind when he lifts his eyes to Komaeda. The hold was now no longer for him. ]

...Did you die here?

[ It's a question asked softly. ]

No. As you know, my class and I were once Enoshima's arrows of despair. We flew where she willed, thinking it our own will. In a way it was. I'm not entirely sure why we broke. But I remember the feeling that I was fostering despair and claiming it was in the name of hope's birth.

[He looks down at their joined hands as if seeing them for the first time. The sounds of war, where the wounded and the dying cry as loud as the fighters themselves echo in his ears. He smiles faintly.]

We were put into a program that removed our memories of that time all the way back to our very first day of school. A computerized version of Enoshima's mind was implanted and...

She set up a 'game' forcing us to kill each other. At the time I still believed that despair great enough could lead to hope. That the clash of everyone's hopes, might birth the Ultimate Hope. ...I found a file.

It told me all that we actually were. It wasn't a road leading to hope but a pathway to remaking us as even better weapons. I was still obsessed, alone, and I won't justify a single thing of what I did! You see... [He swallows and forces himself to look up into Red's eyes.]

When someone died in the 'killing game' we held a trial. That was the rule. We proved who did it, or we would all die. I sought to create a murder that none of them could solve.

I didn't want to live. Not with what I'd done or what I was. Nor was I going to allow 'Ultimate Despair', all of it, to leave the program. [His courage fails and he looks away, his eyes hidden by the fall of his bangs. It's nice that his hair works with him for once.] I was the very thing I hated. So I...set up my own murder. But really, it was suicide by complicated circumstances.

Back home, I'm hooked to a machine in a coma. There's no telling if I'll wake or not.

Edited 2016-09-15 23:15 (UTC)

[ It's in their shared look that Red barely blinks. He's not locked into a single extreme expression, nor is the look he gives cold; it's listening, refusing to affect the story that's being shared, in some control of emotion for once than the usual instant reactions he's one to give. Red gaze tries to follow after Komaeda's when it leaves, but the thick pieces block him. He bites in his bottom lip.

He knows this part of the tale. The part that had confused him in the timeline of their despair from the pieces he had accumulated over knowing classmates of that world. It twisted in him still, his skin drying off moisture, off tears. Another disgusting piece of their history.

Their life was so screwed up. Komaeda was too. He always suspected it, but still--

Red moves his hand in his, to make sure it properly moulds into the space of his palm, while he takes his other from Charizard to the back of Komaeda's neck, to bring his head to just barely meet that of his forehead. Or maybe it's just resting in that bed of hair. His head certainly wasn't bowed for it, the older guy far taller than him.

But whatever it is, it's enough, where Red doesn't even say anything for a quiet moment. He lets out a breathe that can be heard, and Charizard's head under them goes to rest on Red's lap. And there, the air warms. The day that actually exists is allowed to be remembered, the heat more of a tender comfort than anything suffocating. A homely, safe feeling.

A reminder of being close to someone loved and their security. One with a soul of fire. ]

...I don't think what you did was right. Everything that happened wasn't right. [ Once again, Red's voice is soft, but this time because any higher is unnecessary. It's clear, and honest. ] ...but I really care about the Komaeda here today. You gave me someone to trust, when I wasn't sure if I could trust myself.

You reminded me how to do that too. Just now. You reminded me.

[ Just by being with him. There's nothing he can see but strands of white, but his eyes keep barely opened. ]

...we're more scared of ourselves than each other.

[ He was sure it was true, but it was his own way of saying as well, with another squeeze of his hand brought up to his chest--

I'm not scared of you. You mean a lot to me. ]

Edited 2016-09-16 00:38 (UTC)

[He had turned when Red touched him with one hand. At his bidding, he bent down low not unlike Charizard's own actions. He says nothing as the words remind him all too well of one simple truth.]

Yes. I do hope one day that won't be the case. For now, this is enough.

[To be trusted, and looked to as a source of reassurance and protection...these are part of the wish he always had. In time he had come to add, to be worthy of the offered friendship. He squeezes Red's hand in his and gives him a rueful smile.]

Thank you for reminding me of how far I've come from those days. Still have far to go but, [He laughs, small white star-shaped flowers blooming about them. They glow and sway to a breeze only they are subject to.] Isn't that what life is? A journey of discovery. Feels like the future whatever it is, will have the most hope if I accept that.

[ He can't see the flowers, but Red's sure he knows something is there by feeling alone. It stirs his anxiety a little, but he reassures it, tempers it with a breath and the trust in those with him. It's a comfort worth more than words, one he didn't know he needed reminded of before he had it. Had been reaching out in his attempt to scare and push Komaeda away.

But the words too, and the touch, still give him plenty as well. ]

I never used to doubt myself this way before. Everything I thought's been challenged, and it gets tiring. [ ... ] Sometimes, I miss...being able to travel, to pack my things and go, like I did. Being able to move on to somewhere else. Living my old life...

[ He can imagine it now, easily. The scent of grass and dirt of a foreign land picks on the breeze. Really, it does more to make his heart drop than comfort him as his present company does, and it fades away. ]

...I know I wouldn't go away. [ To leave, at least, permanently. ] I can't. There's too much I want to see done. I want to do more. To do good...

That's my hope.

It's a beautiful kind of hope, Red. ...I never thought of being able to travel where I wanted to as freedom but, I can see it now. When this is over, let's go explore Shaarnath and maybe assist in an exploration team, hm?

[He doesn't lift his head. In a way this setting. Even the way their breathing is the loudest sound in the area aside from the fire on Charizard's tail. All of it spins a tale of peace. He could sleep, he's so relaxed.]

...I'll help you as much as I can in what you want to see and do. I understand how you feel about being challenged and doubting yourself. Ever since I came to this world, I've been challenged at every turn. It's like...it chips away at everything and the results can be far from what you expected to be.

[ The words are perhaps a little too beautiful for Red, but he can't disagree that helping in an exploration task would be beneficial, and hadn't he spotted such tasks already available in the desert city?

His mind doesn't linger so much on it. There's another offer he remembers, prompted by the help put forward. He lets the hand at the nape of Komaeda's neck gradually, and then all at once leave, hovering for a moment without a purpose, indecision of where to go, before settling on his free knee. ]

I'd...like to take you up on practising some dunamis together. I need to learn how to accept energy like that without making any mistakes. [ Or, something like that. He can just see his free hand in sight, which he lifts again, turning over. ]

I have an idea how to do it. Imagining the energy going to my hands, making it happen... [ There's a light blue shield that circles around it, icy cold, formed by the essence of a stern strength that isn't entirely his own. It bursts without sending the shards that it could possible send flying, dissolving into nothing. ]

I can do it. I just need someone I trust to give me the energy to practice with.

I'd be honored to help you with that. [It would help him a great deal as well. Boosting his own abilities is easy. Sharing energy with others outside of rituals and to use it specifically for healing...that's still so new.]

I've done it before with Hajime but, I need to get used to sharing with everyone. That is if this is to be a method of healing or assisting others in healing.

[His smile is light and full of life. He feels rather good right now.]

[ He can't help but smile, just a little. If it was a way they could help each other, then that would make it better, in a way - more fulfilling anyway, to bring more good out of it. Red hums along with it, and he's silent a moment before finally pulling away, if just his head, to take in that hand that had been covered the pokéball in his lap. ]

Lapras received the energy before... it was more than she needed [ unsurprisingly, the way he had been boosting it ], but she told me to thank you just now. For helping me, too.

... I can hear the rest too.

[ Electricity, sparking and travelling the tracks of his veins along his hand and leaving the skin glowing white once it reaches to the tips of his nails, the smell of salty sea air raising in a small dusty misty from the ball, pushed down by an intrusive purple wisp that makes the cold snap into ice in its ire, shattering away as the ice had left before as it all calms.

All but the cold, the small glitters of it falling like snow towards a snout raised, meeting a hot breath that leaves the activity to just their memories-- all, but the smell that lingers for longer. That makes the smile Red wears grow, such a brief thing it was, but nothing peculiar to Red to be surprising, or to not just tuck the ball closer to himself. They had all been close enough. All connected to him to feel everything, to know.

How funny this had turned out. ]

I wanted to ask you before how your classmates were-- Sonia, Gundam, Hinata, and Nanami. And about Piphron too. [ The ball clinks lightly as it shifts in his hold. ] I didn't expect we'd be talking about the past...

[It's a wonderous sight. His heart warms in his chest as it feels like light is flowing up through it and out his body. Pale gold light swirls like water currents, shaping into dragons and melting back into threads of light.]

Hajime and Chiaki are both doing alright. ...Gundam seems to be settling in fine! I've been a little busy with work so I haven't been able to check...ah but Sonia is alright. ...Piphron...strangely enough he reminds me of myself.

[His laugh this time is a little strained.] That was a little uncomfortable! But in the end, he did listen to us. Just a little. It's a side project of mine trying to see if we can implant memories into memory trees.

...Implant memories? [ Red eyes Komaeda with that, his mind not sure of how to take that. ] Do you mean...new memories into the pods already on the tree?

Yes. If we could share with the tree the memories of what has happened here on this island...to this world even. It could endure! The memories could let others ahead of us know what occured.

...and the consequences of abusing the world they live in. [He reaches into his coat and produces his battered journal.] Plants and life endure when books and technology don't. That's the only thing I could think of to ensure this cycle doesn't repeat.

[ His head tips in thought. ] I remember I spoke about it with Dr. Jude when he brought up Piphron's request to everyone.. Sosyne and me tried to influence one of the pods to show a memory related to crystal in the city once. But, it didn't work...

[ So, what putting a whole new memory inside? ...His mind is going here and there in thoughts, lips pinching lightly. ] What did Piphron think about the idea?

He didn't say anything about it. He was more focused on the idea that we would repeat the same cycle ages and ages into the future.

I want to find some way for the memories to endure. If technology and books, and even songs won't work. ...what will?

[ What had he even said to Doctor Jude about it? Something about technology, he thinks, but he lets himself go over the question.

What will keep? ]

The problem with the pods is that they don't stay open, and the memory that drops falls at random. ...But, they preserve. The pods are tough and hard to destroy. You can do all kinds with crystals too...

[ He gestures out a hand, just doing so as the thinks. ] The trees should be an option...but you need more too. You need people to experiment with every option that's possible. Crystals that contain thoughts, technology that can be copied easily and shared. There's the room in the mountains that won't let any of the crystals be taken out... you can keep things safe. You record everything you can the way that's available now, and keep upgrading.

And always let the people and the Arehtei be involved. We all have to keep the history alive. You don't let the bond between humans and Arehtei be broken again.

I wonder. Maybe we could put tasks on the task board about it. Like you said we have to try every option and what a better way to get the word out? [Red has made a very important suggestion...well not just suggestion, it's advice. He's never one to turn that down.]

Maybe stir up some talks so everyone is thinking about it too! Piphron is counting on us to find the solution and the only way to do that is to search for it.

...

I want to write something about the Arehtei that will help people not think of them as gods. [Komaeda folds his arms over his chest.] Because they're not. After seeing those people during the talk with them yelling as if they're gods....I don't ever want to see that again.

Edited 2016-09-26 04:00 (UTC)

...You mean the guy who threw the street party who kept shouting about taking the Arehtei to court?

[ It's so long ago, he can't remember if it was court or jail, but he sure does remember a lot of shouting and a waving of a small notepad at the time. Meanwhile, all of the mood that had been surrounding them not long before might as well be a memory. Red's brow is creased, pinched with a youthful look he might have any other day, while Charizard looks content below to just listen to the words of the two humans. ]

All the material on the Arehtei says they don't like to be called gods. At least, all the stuff I've looked up, but not everyone reads it. [ Which is a bummer. Even he read it!! ]

I guess it's easy to see them something like that, though. To me, they're a lot like legendary pokémon -- pokémon more powerful and older than ordinary pokémon, but still pokémon. They live and die, and they come back again a new person. So... they need to remembered, because they're a part of the world. This world belongs to everyone who lives in it. Everyone has their place in it. A role. It makes everyone equal.

[ ... ] Just get rid of the word god altogether!

[ Red, the boy who doesn't know the big deal with the word anyway. ]

Hm, if not everyone reads...what could we do to make something accessible to all but still gets our message across?

[A flipbook? That feels a little insulting.] Maybe a poster?

...or a pamphlet? You're right they need to be remembered as part of this world! But right now, if we can spread the word they're not gods. That's a step in the right direction!

my inbox needs to stop eating important things

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CW: suicide talk DR2 chapter 5 spoilers

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Cw: suicide talk DR2 spoilers

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