Messenger Box

[eyeswideopen]

If you need to get a hold of Komaeda, here's where you do it.

Messenger birds, action, what have you.

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[8/18, dream]

[eyeswideopen]

[The night sky is blue.
The deep sky above is littered with stars and it's beauty could capture the senses, if you let it. It almost masks the billowing winds of despair that flood in like tar from just beyond where she's standing.

Komaeda's voice comes out of the fog, slightly distorted but the stress in it hints at something terrible. 'The past isn't always pleasant. Mm, I know that better than anyone! But, [He looks back at him.] It is the past. Holding onto it. Dwelling on it. That won't help you.

This is now. This is what matters, isn't it?'

Hinata is standing frozen on the street with the ghost of Kamukura behind him and Komaeda, his face pained holding onto his wrist. Hinata shakes his head, and a memory drifts down, the petal reflecting it clearly.]

[i_think]

[ It's one of the last things she remembers.

She watches them debate over her, falling into grief, and sadness clutches at her heart. She remembers every moment of that trial, even when she tries not to. ]

For the now, there's a lot of the past here, isn't there? [ She walks forwards, closer to the two boys, watching the expressions between them. ] It feels like something in between.

[eyeswideopen]

It happened here. Quite a while ago. [Komaeda stands beside her, his arms crossed over his chest. He digs the fingers of one hand into his bicep with a his of breath.]

This isn't all that pleasant.

[The Komaeda in the memory recoils. The ground shatters underfoot as his heart takes a direct hit. Fear, self-loathing, hurt, and sorrow that erupt out in spears of ice and darkness pouring up through the cracks pale in comparison to the rising despair. The petals raining down capture moments of his time in Verens, every encounter he's ever had with Junko.

How despite everything she was doing to break him, under it is a strange current of friendship. Until the last portion.

"But I wouldn't say he isn't worth anything. That's just you getting your hopes up, right? Because if he's worthless to me, I'll leave him alone and you can sort out whatever mess is going on in your head, right? Sorry to dash those hopes, but he's from our world, and he's totally a part of everything, so even though I'm not really sure what he means to me, I treasure him just as much as you or anyone else like that here!"

"I'm not worried about anything. I just won't see you cause him to fall again. This world can't handle that without exploding in on itself. Not that you care, I'm sure you'd love that to death. Mmm, but this is the first time you actually explained why you value us. Just because we're from the same world? How pathetic."

"...pathetic? It's not merely because we hailed from the same world. Don't be mistaken. The lowliest peasant from our world would be of no more notice to us than a grain of sand in a desert. It's simply more like...

I don't know, I appreciate the bonds I've made here, I really do, but the bonds from home are just as special, right? Or maybe you wouldn't really know about something like that..."

[The mental space is alive with that sound of something breaking. A flicker of lightning runs up the visible cracks as he takes a shaky breath in reality. The ground at his feet is covered in ashes and cracked like a broken mirror.

Then he laughs. It's the sound she knows so well, and not the healt-

The memory Nagito yells, 'ENOUGH!' and rain filled with a desperate kind of hope slams down, hard and implacable like the earth should be. He bends under it, his head bowed. The real Nagito says nothing.]

[i_think]

[ It's one thing to hear about his time with Junko. For the tree in the dream to share it, is quite another thing entirely.

But the last one startles her out of her curiosity. It's the one that breaks two Nagitos, even if the one standing next to her is silent. A dawning feeling of horror tears at her heart.

But where her emotions manifest as glitches in reality, here things get clearer. Bits of memories replay (I TREASURE HIM JUST AS MUCH) (MAYBE YOU WOULDN'T REALLY KNOW) (ENOUGH!). The fog clears around the boys to more clearly show them, and their faces seem almost alive. The lightning spreads across the nonexistent floor and up into the sky. Thunder rumbles.

She reaches for the Komaeda beside her, but without looking, it's not quite enough to close the gap. She's transfixed by what's happening, and slowly beginning to understand something terrible.

She helped to cause this. ]

[eyeswideopen]

[The real Komaeda's face might as well be carved from stone. He remains silent as Tsumiki and Enoshima form as ghosts behind the memory him. He's had memorymares before. Usually they cycle back to Enoshima and his despair ridden self of so long ago.

Really.

It wasn't that long ago. Maybe that's the scary part. The memory him snarls, 'This is what you want me to go back to?'. He notes how his voice has a slight shake to it. Of course, Hinata back then only made it worse.

"I mean, killing someone for the sake of despair, instead of for the sake of hope... There's no way I can forgive that."

"For the sake of despair...? Haha, that's completely wrong!"

"...Wrong? Wrong... what's wrong?"

"What I did... was for the sake of my beloved."

And another voice chimes in, one of the Ultimate Mechanic. "...Huh?"

Then, the Ultimate Yakuza, face angry and pale. "Wh-Who are you talking about...?"

Then, it goes back to Mikan, her face ecstatic. "If only they were still alive... They'd be so happy. ... I know. My beloved... was the only one... That's right, the only one who... never hated me. They forgave my existence. They forgave me and accepted me. They gave me value. They loved me. I loved them with all my heart and they returned it in full. This is... my reciprocation. I understand that I"ve done something unforgivable. But you know, but you know! To transcend all that is truly... what love is all about!"

"I don't understand... what you're saying."

"You don't understand? Is it because you don't have anyone to love? Is it because you're also someone who isn't accepted by anyone? ... What a pity. I feel sorry for you."

Hinata keeps talking, focusing on the whole on duty, loyalty, responsibility. Not even seeing the cracks forming inside the boy he's facing. Except, Komaeda knows he did feel something then but he didn't act on what he felt.

The memory him laughs in that familiar broken way that makes him sigh and press a hand to his forehead. For the memory, luck had in his mind come around. He still isn't sure about that.]

[i_think]

[ Her hand falls limp as she listens. She remembers this, too. But she had been so focused on other things-- would Mikan reveal to the others what was happening outside the program, and would they be able to keep her from graduating-- that she had hardly noticed what Mikan's words had done.

It's easier to notice the more there is of someone. There's already two of Nagito-- three, as the shadow listening to Mikan during the trial briefly forms behind him-- a fourth, a fifth, endless Nagito's blinking in and out of existence all around them. The same expression on all of their faces, except the one next to her. The same sick laughter echoing around them.

She's like a virus, infecting his memories, because she's pretty sure it didn't happen like this. Still, the words are the same (amplified, repeated, louder), and she can't escape them, even when she looks away.

But there's a pretty uniform feeling emanating from her, at least, and it's powerful enough to melt the fog at her feet. She covers her hand with her mouth, even as she refuses to look away from the memory. It amplifies the feeling, but she needs to learn this. She needs to feel, for him; he deserves that much at least.

It's the first time she's ever felt this sort of deep shame. ]

[eyeswideopen]

[It doesn't get any better as the memory Nagito goes on about his luck coming back around. His desolation and melancholy mood slaps the senses like an air fist. As the real Komaeda turns his gaze on Nanami. He steps over to her and grasps her hand. She's hurting.

Because of his memories.]

It's okay. It happened a while ago. [Yet he still winces when Hinata's determination summons the ghost of Nanami and in the same breath he claims that Komaeda's luck that dominated his existence for so long. Is fake. That he can make his own decisions as if it hasn't ripped everything he wanted out of his hands.

Or given him an outcome he desired in a terrible way. The memory him reacts about like one would expect. The yawning void of despair turns the world black and white, Nagito himself a dull grey as black chains wrap around his throat and wrists. but things change, as Hinata surges forward and hugs the other boy. Nagito caged in by Hinata's arms face is painted with shock. It's clear he hasn't been touched much and he sinks into it despite the hesitation as warm affection swirls in the memory.

Then he speaks, quietly with a note of hysteria in his voice. Hinata needs to understand. Why he's upset.

'I have a purpose. I have friends. I have a life, Hinata. Last time I went back, I didn't remember a damn bit of it. I wouldn't have tried to kill myself, or any of you if I'd had my memories when I returned to that moment with the file! I promised I would never gamble with my life against my luck! And I'd already resolved never to kill anyone ever again!

And you're asking me to give up WHO I AM NOW!'

Komaeda looks away from the memory. It still hurts.

'if I'm stuck dealing with her trying to drag me down every time I see her, it's a better life than I've ever had!

...this is what I'm giving up. This is what will be gone when I go back with you. Back to dying. To being hated. Misunderstood and people talking behind my back. Oh yes! All of that. I'm not denying I'm a bastard as Souda so put it. I really am the lowest piece of trash around, I won't ever deny it!'

The memory, Nagito, presses his face into Hinata's shoulder. Grief trickles in as falling snow. It floats gently down to blanket the ground and he sags, giving up as something inside him tears.

'But it was nice. It was nice to be cared about...even...ahaha, starting to believe in myself.']

cw: suicidal talk

[i_think]

... Is it?

[ She holds his hand loosely as she watches. She doesn't feel like she deserves the contact right now.

But the contact between the two boys, memory or not, frankly scares her. There's something almost violent, desperate about it. She's seen shades of it in how they love each other, sharing an enthusiasm which is quite dissimilar to Nanami's own softer and slower tactics. But here, without the added affection, it's rawer.

She keeps listening, and the other Nagitos disappear as she focuses on the one speaking and on the one holding her hand. But still, tears fill her eyes anyway. And then the Nagito talks about how he's the lowest piece of trash. ]

You're not. [ It slips out, speaking to the memory that doesn't exist, but she says it again, louder, as if he'll hear her. ] You're not!

[ And now, she thinks, she begins to truly understand the extent of Komaeda's answer when she asked about death or loneliness. The world he returned to, such as it was-- could she really argue that hers was worse, or that death would be? ]

[eyeswideopen]

We resolved those problems. Memories can hurt, but dwelling on them does little good.

[Komaeda doesn't say much as Hinata echoes her, but in a long talk about wanting to help Nagito, to let people see him as he is now. It's the start of the present bond between them even if all too soon, Hinata's focus is on Nanami. Nagito helping her if Hinata couldn't.

It's mingled in the talk about helping everyone but, the memory Nagito knows how much she means to Hinata and answers with how deleted data...isn't truely gone. It still hurts when the idea is latched onto and brings happiness and joy to Hinata.

While the memory Nagito is full of confusion and mixed feelings about the way his heart aches for the warmth of before and for the shift in focus. Even if he'd done it himself. They don't talk much longer. Nagito makes an excuse and walks away, his head falling and his arms wrapped tightly about himself. He shouldn't miss that touch. He shouldn't want it. It isn't his to have.

Someone like him isn't allowed that nor, should he ever want it.

The memory fades away leaving the empty street with Komaeda staring at the sky. Then shifts, to the street outside the welcome center. He turns away from the scene entirely with a frustrated growl. Not something he wants to see.

If the boys had been raw before, something terrifying about their connection in this one. It's worse. Komaeda looking like Servant with the chain at his throat speaks in a low voice, his tone almost cold.

'In case that didn't make it clear. I allowed too much. I did too much. I was stupid and now I'm paying the price because the idea of losing this feels like a hammer to my heart.

Like there's an us to lose. Don't give me permission to stop holding back unless you mean it and it isn't out of guilt. Because this time, once that line is crossed, we don't go back over to friends.

I can't do that again. It has been ages since I allowed anyone close. Because I always lose them in the end. This is my fault for not realizing how screwed up this all is sooner. I'm sorry for my stupidity.'

He's had enough of that. Komaeda pulls power to him, grabbing his emotions and spinning them. The dream shifts yet again to a star filled sky where the memory Nagito is the same age the boy at Nanami's side. He and Hinata sit under a blanket at the edge of a campfire as Nagito explains what they'd found out about the case. Compared to the damage in them before this one is different. Their shoulders touch and Nagito rests his head on his shoulder, offering the mug to him with a warm smile.

There's the sadness there of being apart and only able to talk mind to mind, but from the way their hands rest on each other as much as possible, and they speak comfortably...it's a look at a relationship that once it was allowed to form became something that benefited them both.]

[i_think]

[ This time she actually does reach out and touch him, taking his hand with her other hand, because he's obviously hurting from the memories himself now. Again, even if they're distant, even if they've been dealt with, at least partly.

The shame deepens by a twinge as she sees Hinata shift his focus away from Komaeda (and towards her), and Komaeda walks away wracked with loneliness. The other memories have their ups and downs -- and then again, she thinks, they all still sort of do, all three of them.

The dream Komaeda reminds her of how much of a risk he feels it is to be close to people, and the fact that Komeada has elected to do so regardless, and she squeezes his hand as they watch the two boys sitting under the stars, learning about each other. ]

[eyeswideopen]

[Komaeda raises his free hand, sweeping all memory aside. They're left with a grassy hill under the stars and trees clustered around the hill like silent watchers. He hasn't said much since things took a terrible turn. There isn't much to say when his memories are speaking of painful times.]

Tell me what's on your mind, Chiaki. I know that look on your face. [The night wind passes on both sides of them as the moon rises in the little mental space. He has a feeling she had never seen how war like his and Hajime's courtship had been. And sometimes still is.]

[i_think]

You already know some of it, right? [ As she murmurs it, the two transitioning into the new dreamspace, she notices that they're under the same stars that the dream Komaeda and Hinata were mere moments ago. She rubs her forehead, feeling more tired than when she went to sleep.

But it means the world to her not to be alone. She imagines it does for Komaeda, too.

Her mind is an open book to Komaeda, hence her prior words -- especially in the dreamspace, emotions flow easily from her to him. But she takes a deep breath and tries to organize them. ]

I'm sorry. We...

[ She hesitates as she tries to think of the right way to phrase it. Or at least a way that makes sense to her. ]

We made the same bad decision, over and over, about you. The whole class. After all of that, how could you not feel the way that you do?

[eyeswideopen]

I tried to destroy everyone because we were all despairs. Not because of how I was treated. I expected to be hated, kicked aside, and left alone. That's how it's always been.

[It hadn't ever stopped hurting. He just got used to it and didn't see it past his ideals being disliked. Until he started getting better. Then it just hurt.]

None of what I did is excusable. My condition or treatment makes no difference. I made those choices.

It put me at odds with the rest of you. ...I do feel it could have been different if I said or did things differently. Or if more of you tried to understand me. But I've made peace with all of that. I expect everyone who comes from home to distrust or hate me.

[i_think]

[ She nods, sighing. ] Well, we still should have given you a chance... or helped you...

[ Turning towards him with a determined gaze, she squeezes his hand. ] It doesn't matter now. I'll fight for you for anybody who arrives and doesn't trust you. You've more than proven yourself, Nagito.

... Thank you for showing me, though. You and Hajime -- you really have a strange relationship, right? [ But there's a small smile with her words. ]

[eyeswideopen]

[He coughs.] That's one way to put it! I just leave it at passionate. It's about the same.

[Komaeda covers her hand with both of his. No one had ever loved him like Chiaki and Hajime do.] And I will fight to keep you safe. Should anyone threaten you, I'll be there to protect you.

...ahaha, I normally keep my crystal off when I sleep. But just this once is alright. Now we have a better understanding.

[i_think]

We'll look out for each other. [ With a blush she nuzzles into him, quickly followed by a gentle kiss. ]

[ She whispers while close to him, ] Ah... I won't intrude upon your dreams much, I promise. But I'm glad I learned this about you two.