Messenger Box

[eyeswideopen]

If you need to get a hold of Komaeda, here's where you do it.

Messenger birds, action, what have you.

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[gottacatch]

--Wait! [ HOLD UP, PAUSE THIS WEIRD TRAIN OF THOUGHT. ] Did a friend go home?!

[ did we miss the very obvious thing buddy are you okay-- ]

[eyeswideopen]

Nothing like that! A friend left in a way but,

dr3 spoilers

[eyeswideopen]

It was a recovered memory of their death. [Memories stay with them, do they? His mind had been falling apart so...what did that mean for him? It's difficult to say. Here at least...he sighs, scrubbing at his face. When did he last sleep for more than a power nap?]

It was terrible. I suppose every death is. I've seen enough of it in my life to know that. But this felt specifically unfair.

[The more words that tumble out...the sharper that sense of grief becomes. The chill in the air is more than just the memory of that night Red made a friend. He looks away and back at him.]

It shouldn't have happened. Remembering it has been difficult! My entire class saw it happen. I've been trying to find a way to keep moving. But it feels like...even the air I breathe is still. We aren't very close, but at the same time our class was united because of her.

...I admired her strength and her hopes, the way she never gave up. Even in the end...she never gave up.

[gottacatch]

[ Red listens quietly, staying quiet a little after Komaeda finishes, too. There's a fine mist that can be faintly seen as he breathes in the cold air, but Red does nothing about it. Let it stay, for now. ]

Have you thought about... [ 'Not moving?' No, that isn't a good way to put (and he already knows the answer), and so he huffs lightly, mouth clamped, a tight expression on his face before it softens. He starts again. ] We have keep moving, sure, but-- have you talked to anyone about it yet? Have you talked about how you feel?

You weren't close, but you admired her. She... [ His lips pinch as he pauses, gaze leaving Komaeda for the ground beside them, then returning again. There's a look more sympathetic on his face, there too in his voice. ]

...isn't this like losing her again? But-- for the very first time.

Still going strong on dr3 spoilers 1/2

[eyeswideopen]

[He stares at the ground. It feels like the grief has settled into his bones. He wants to cling to Chiaki, bury his face in her hair but it isn't her he's lost. Chiaki he loves. Nanami had been their hopeful leader that the grief of losing had given Enoshima a way in to destroying them all.]

...you're the first I've talked to about how I feel about it. [He says, his lips moving slowly. Every word feels dragged out of him. He'd been so focused on Hajime and Chiaki that when he hit his limit, he hadn't even seen it. Maybe he'd even subconsciously encouraged his own burnout. There's no way to know.]

It's a large basis for the hate I felt for Enoshima back then. I had more reasons to loathe her now but, [His laughter is bitter and gentle rain begins to fall. It forms little spikes of ice on the ground. After a few minutes it's clear that the ice and rain are forming the skeleton of a dragon.]

I keep thinking of how unfair it was. I could have dealt with it if we could have helped her! Enoshima killed her to break the whole class. She was used as a tool, Red! It might have been better if it was one motion! But it wasn't! We couldn't do anything for her and had to watch her battle for her life! Alone! While trying to get back to us! [Finally, finally, tears spill down his face, unchecked and he lets them fall.]

In a game that was rigged for her to lose!

[eyeswideopen]

When it was over...I hated her. I hated Enoshima so much I was burned up inside and yet...because she was rewiring our minds without us knowing. I loved her.

Because it would bring me despair to adore her. [Dark shadows swirl around him and he sucks in a harsh breath. No. No despair. Not here.

He turns his thoughts to all the good times their class had had. All the connections he's formed here. The falling rain changes as he reshapes the shadows, the ice, even the rain making it a wash of stars and the deep night instead.]

I won't claim I didn't have a part in what followed. We all did. ...you're right. It's like I lost her for the first time. And I fell for the first time.

...

[He looks to the water, and glances back at the cave Red had faced the legendary bird within.]

I didn't fall this time because I refused to allow it. I think it partly has to do with how much better of a person I am these days. ...and because I'm not alone this time.

[gottacatch]

[ The world shifts around them, and Red only acknowledges it by what he sees from the corners of his eyes, never allowing his focus to leave Komaeda once. The rain makes his head twitch when the drops patter on his skin, but he wipes it away a single time with the back of his hand before giving up on caring.

Because Komaeda's words are a far bigger tidal wave washing over him, and they're what make him really cringe. He can't sit there and take it all and not feel the pain behind them sink into his own chest--to hear them lose someone that way, to not feel the ghost of that same anger for what was done to this person, by Junko, all their misery always leading back to her. It causes a low mist to form around his legs, thickened by the presence of the heat inside it too, the mix of anger and grief combined.

Yet when the mist fades out, that heat doesn't. The world shows itself for the illusion it is when the cold of the temperature leaves to his warmth that isn't engulfing or boiling, but simmering with a passion. It no longer feels like night but like day, closer to reality, but one in summer than that bordering winter.

Red curls his hands into tight fists, one sitting between them as he comes in a little closer again. ]

You won't fall like that. Not again. Junko can't find that kind of power over you again, and even if she found something-- if anything tries to drag you back down, you'll come back up. That's a promise.

I'm not the only one making it either. You are, too. [ He breathes in one of those deep breaths he hasn't in a while, the emotions about it rolling with it; descending, and then rising again, and a smile splits momentarily upon his mouth. ] I know...you won't let yourself go without a fight.

[ There's no room for doubt. With a pause, Red reaches and takes one of Komaeda's hands, still all that passion and intensity in him. He looks at them, judging it, as if not sure himself what to do next-- because no, it isn't enough. So, with no thought for his own legs or the comfort of his body, he finds something better by lifting himself forward enough to swing his arm to press a hand at the back of white hair, for just this time taller than the older guy with his shoulder closer to his chin, and his own head pressed to the side of his. ]

I'm sorry, Komaeda. [ Closer now, the grief that continued to exist beneath all that fire can be sensed, just as the warmth now envelops more with a love and compassion inside every part of Red's body for the friend he holds. It doesn't leave him, even as a small frustration comes out in his next words, which he doesn't say until he's tilted his face more into that hair, that need to comfort and to be there for someone who's grown so important to him so--overwhelming. ]

Don't keep something like this to yourself.

[eyeswideopen]

[He shuts his eyes, pressing his face against Red's shoulder. Grief is something he used to just ignore, tossing it aside because there wasn't a point. People who got close to him, he let get close. They died. That's how it was. Their deaths lead to something better.

Usually.

This...Nanami's death had only made him scramble to find a reason. It had been so pointless! It wasn't going to lead anywhere and his mind could only find one thing to say. She was a stepping stone for some far off hope. Somehow. She could forgive him for that right? Komaeda doesn't realize he's grabbed at Red's back until he is aware that hitched shuddering breaths are his own.

Red had said not to keep it in.] You're right...keeping this in all this time.

[He laughs, breathy and soft, but there's no joy to it.] It hurt. It feels like it's just pouring out, like water...like the way we all drowned in our despair. I won't do that again. I told you, there are voices that will always be heard even when I'm in the deep dark.

...you're one of those. I'm grateful for every day we get to share. Even more so now that I know what it's like to really feel loss. ...I knew it before. But, all of it became dull over time.

[gottacatch]

I don't want it to be that way for you anymore.

[ Because he understands the meaning for it, and it hurts to even hear the words there, the pain building in his own chest. It makes stars flicker and blur in the sky, his concentration and energy woven with Gengar's waning all this time, but the illusion--nor how real it appears--really matters anymore.

Gengar works to ease the burden on both of them (the stars don't need to extend that far, the waters don't need to move--) as Red holds Komaeda close to him, speaking without rush to his words, and only honesty. ]

...Losing someone is the most horrible pain I know. You can't do anything but wait until you breathe easier. No one can tell you when it'll come, or how to do it... you just find a way. [ His voice grows softer, like a murmur, after a pause. ]

You'll always hurt as much as you cared.

[ The words make his heart feel raw, and he falls silent to let himself breathe, recognising how personal he's allowing this to be. He's said it before--to Komaeda, and also earlier that day to Elios. It was likely the one thing he was sure in when it came how emotions worked.

The one thing he didn't have to think about, when he'd experienced it for himself. ]

I don't know if grieving is about honouring them...I just know it's something you have to do. For yourself. Because you had them, and now they're gone. [ The pain begins to rise, up into his throat. ] You cared for her and you wanted more for her. ...We want people to die peacefully, or without pain...

She wasn't allowed that. And you have to find your own peace with that.

[ He couldn't pretty it up in any way. It wouldn't be fair to the girl who died. ]

Just remember...she didn't die because you weren't strong enough. Never blame yourself--none of you.

cw: murder description

[eyeswideopen]

[All of his despair, all of his worry, all the anxiety and pain and regrets, everything he had stuffed away into the deepest recesses of himself like he always did, all of it surges up in an unbearable pressure. He lets it out, and it floods through him and down his face. He can't stop and there's some kind of relief in it.

Red's words are like a road letting him know that eventually, as his fingers cling tightly to him, it will ebb to bearable levels.]

She died because someone made a choice. Killing Enoshima won't bring her back. I don't want to kill anyone unless I have to. I'll fight to protect...so I don't have to go through this again. So no one else has to.

[His throat had closed up sometime between protect and the rest. He finally pulls back and wipes at his eyes with the heel of his palm.] ...Sorry, I'm as well as I can be. Hajime was her friend so I focused so much on his worries.

[gottacatch]

[ Red doesn't stir over how damp that part of his jacket must be getting. It'd be too late anyway, for the crying Komaeda has already done, and he rubs the hand at his back sometime during it, remembering the motion as something his mother used to do, when he was younger and had less to spill tears over.

And what Komaeda says back to him is a reassurance for him, one that he's happy to hear, though there's not much space for happiness to be felt amongst everything else. He lets him pull back when Red feels him doing so, his hands falling to his lap and his eyes a little red, but he has a lot less to wipe away at than Komaeda. ]

Don't say sorry. You're my friend. [ And-- he's happy for how he can say that easily and believe in it without a doubt, a smiling warming his face. ] You care for... --you love him, [ don't mind the way his face twitches with embarrassment there, quickly, ] so of course you'd put all your attention into his wellbeing. Next time... when you feel like this, it's okay to reach out for a friend. It's not burdening them.

[ The darkness continues to exist around them, a cluster of stars twinkling right above their heads. ]

We can stay here a little longer, if you want. Gengar's getting tired-- it's the longest she's done this, but it's okay if we stay just here.

Just until you're ready to go back.

[eyeswideopen]

[He looks up at the star filled sky. Gengar is getting tired. That decides it for him.]

I'm ready. Will you permit me to buy you hot drink when we return? The both of you have given me something I needed and I want to share my appreciation with you. [Gengar is included. She did a lot of hard work and that desires a mention and a expression of gratitude. Komaeda calls up water into his cupped hands and splashes it on his face. It will help with the sting in his eyes.]

So whatever Gengar needs to recharge...I want to help her as well. ...you couldn't be more right. I shouldn't hold grief in. Next time, I'd like to just invite you to talk or take a walk. Simple moments like that help make this...easier to bear.

[gottacatch]

[ A weight still sits in his stomach after everything, the remnants of this heavy time together, but Komaeda's words give Red a relief, and a pride as well in his friend. Regret doesn't cling to him for what he can't do. Komaeda may continue to grieve, but he should for as long as he needs to.

It makes it easy for Red to take Gengar's ball into his hand, to keep on smiling fondly. ]

I'd like that.

[ And then, a name is spoken the darkness surrounding them-- Gengar.

It shrivels away-- the cave, the ground, the sky; yet their eyes were seemingly never open when a soft light hits at their eyelids, the day now reaching where it couldn't before in Gengar's shadows. Komaeda's face will still be wet and their bodies close, yet their hands clasped like it had been from the start--but wet at the palms.

Illusions were strange things.

The smile is soft on Red's lips when his eyes open, gazing at Komaeda a moment, before his head turns near them where a big fat purple lump has emerged from the ground, laying though in a pool of dark. Pretending to snore, grin as wide as ever.

It makes Red laugh, letting go of Komaeda and leaning his hands onto his knees. ]

She'll be okay. I'll let her rest, then she can eat later with everyone else. [ A tongue flaps out the side of her mouth and between teeth, but she continues her now gurgling snoring sounds. ]

We can go wherever you like. [ The look on his face brightens. ] Show me your favourite place to get a drink!