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Komaeda Nagito
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10/9; voice
Date: 2016-10-28 03:24 am (UTC)He doesn't want to have this conversation with anyone. Doesn't want to force Komaeda into talking about Nanami when that's surely already something very raw and painful, but... But...
"Still, I'm totally disappointed. Like I said, better you hear these things from them than me, but from the sounds of it, not one of them told you that. Which is pretty messed up..."
"But hey, you know what else doesn't change? The fact they didn't tell you about her."
And Naegi squeezes his eyes shut, like that can block it out, but it doesn't really. Not completely. He still cares... For better or worse, he'll always care about his upperclassmen, but his trust feels like an open wound that's been rubbed raw. Enoshima's words are like a poison.
...He has to at least try, though.]
Ko- Komaeda-san. [Oh no, that's bad, his voice is already unsteady.] I'm... sorry to bother you, but... I just had a conversation with Enoshima-san, and I wanted to talk to you about something. Would... you mind if I came over for a bit?
10/9; voice
Date: 2016-10-28 04:44 am (UTC)It's no trouble at all. I'll have tea waiting for you.
[He cleans up his work space in the library and heads home. Whenever Naegi knocks, he answers it on the second rap.]
Please, come in. [He steps aside and holds the door open. It's only once the door is shut does he ask.] Ask whatever you want to ask.
I'll answer you.
10/9; voice > action
Date: 2016-10-28 06:48 pm (UTC)[Komaeda sounds so kind over the crystal, and even as he walks to the house, it makes his throat tight and the backs of his eyes burn. He doesn't... want to do this...
But he has to.
Once he arrives, Naegi thanks him politely as the door is held open for him. Then clears his throat to speak, even though the words still feel difficult to push out.]
Komaeda-san, I... [Swallows hard. Makoto, just say it.] Why... didn't any of you tell me Nanami-san is an AI?
[Why did I have to find it out from Enoshima-san? But Naegi can't bring himself to go that extra step, at least not out loud, so he doesn't.]
10/09 action Dr2 and 3 spoilers
Date: 2016-10-28 07:03 pm (UTC)[He scrubs his face as grief colors the air with snow. As it falls all sounds are dulled, leaving Komaeda's voice clear as a bell in the silence.] She didn't want to be seen as different from the rest of us. She was trying to understand what it meant to be human and not bound by the programming that made her the Future Foundation's observer among us in the program.
Tanaka doesn't know. I wouldn't either if I hadn't figured it out for myself. ...and my memories I have now, [There's a thin layer of snow on the wooden floor. He stares at it as if peering through reality to what lay in the past. Talking to Red before helped but he puts his hand back over his face, his voice muffled but not enough to hide the pained edge.]
Made it clear in our world...the human she's based on is gone. And we'll never seen her at home again.
Re: 10/9 action
Date: 2016-10-28 11:09 pm (UTC)[But she's gone, and that chance has been taken away from him. And still none of them told you after she was gone, a voice seems to whisper that sounds suspiciously like Enoshima - but Naegi pushes it away, disgusted. Of course Komaeda didn't. Both he and Hinata had been her boyfriends - of course it hit them harder than anyone else. Why would they talk about it with anyone besides themselves unless they had to?
But the stinging in his eyes gets worse when the snow starts falling. Komaeda, who always has such control... That's your fault. You did that to your senpai, coming here and asking something like that-
Stop...! That voice, finally, is Naegi's, and he's able to hear what Komaeda says without interruption.
But... Almost immediately, Naegi wishes he hadn't.]
She's... gone...? How is she... gone?
[Naegi thinks he feels something wet on his shoulder, and that's strange - because his eyes are wet, yes, but he shouldn't be feeling moisture there - but he can't think about it right now.]
What- What about the Nanami from the AI? She... After the program- [He swallows against the sharpness in his throat.] What happened to her?
10/9 action
Date: 2016-10-28 11:20 pm (UTC)It makes sense why. And I have been too busy to correct it. You see in our Killing Life, I was the one to find out the truth. Within the program with the Enoshima ai virus. She crafted a perfect trap for me.
I won because only someone with my luck could pass through the highest setting. The prize? Tell me, knowing me as a seeker of hope and back then obsessed with it.
[His smile widens but there's only self loathing in it.] What would be the worst thing to find? I'll give you the answer.
Our student profiles.
10/9 action
Date: 2016-10-28 11:53 pm (UTC)That's one thing the Killing Game made him good at, isn't it? Figuring things out? Even if it's such a bitter thought.
If his talk with Enoshima had been like losing HP for choosing something wrong, then this is certainly like choosing the correct answer of "Super High School Level Despair".]
If your student profiles were the worst thing you could find, then that means... It told you, didn't it? That all of you used to be in despair?
[The thought makes him ill, of Komaeda having to find that. Only Enoshima would come up with something so cruel, especially crafted just for Komaeda.
How this connects to Nanami, though, Naegi still doesn't know.] Then... What happened after you found out about it?
10/9 action
Date: 2016-10-29 12:53 am (UTC)[He makes a sweeping gesture.] I designed my own murder. With the culprit relied upon by luck. I was aiming to expose and protect the culprit. The only person undied by despair.
...I didn't expect the Future Foundation traitor to...sacrifice themself. I didn't figure out who it was until I was here. [He wraps his arms about himself as he bows his head.] I wasn't a good person and was obsessed with hope.
10/9 action
Date: 2016-10-29 01:52 am (UTC)[That's... Practically the same as... killing himself...
And the rest of the pieces are there, he can assemble the letters into place if he lets himself, but Naegi doesn't want to believe it. Wants to deny it til the day he dies, like he did back then with Oowada after he'd killed Fujisaki...
But just like that time, avoiding the truth can't erase it.]
That person... The one who wasn't dyed with despair... There's only one person that could be...
[The specifics had never been clear, but Naegi knows who that is... The only person who hadn't been colored in despair is...
Naegi wants to cry.
No... No! Komaeda-san wouldn't do that... Not to the person he loves, he wouldn't do that...!!
Kind and sweet Komaeda. Kind Komaeda, who had teased him with a water dragon and understood what being Ultimate Luck was like. Kind Komaeda, who saved him from Enoshima with Nanami and brought him out to eat so he could calm down afterwards. Kind Komaeda, his senpai that helps him so much with Dunamis and anything in between.]
...It was Nanami-san. She sacrificed herself for everyone else.
Re: 10/9 action
Date: 2016-10-29 02:26 am (UTC)The person who greeted you in the street. The man I am now was forged here in this world. I learned how normal people are supposed to behave and even healed the diseases destroying my mind and body.
I do not use that as an excuse, merely to make a point. [He raises his head to stare directly into Naegi's eyes. No matter what happens.] I was not a good man and I still have far to go. Before I could tell Sanae I am the person I wanted to be.
I'm...not suicidal anymore, if that is something you're worried about. Even with my luck constantly wishing to balance the scales... [He looks down at his hand, smiling humorously.] I have a life for the first time and I don't want to lose it.
10/9 action
Date: 2016-10-29 07:49 am (UTC)Naegi takes a minute to collect himself, shutting his eyes for a bit. But he opens them again when he feels like he's processed things enough.]
I'm... glad, Komaeda-san, that you don't want to... to kill yourself anymore. The thought of you comitting suicide... The thought of you dying...
[He can't finish the thought. It's hurts so much and Naegi is so relieved, because he hand't been sure how far Enoshima had pushed that wedge inside of himself. But not deep enough clearly, and it's a breath of fresh air for him, even if it's so upsetting.
No more... He doesn't want anyone else he cares about to die.]
However, there's... one thing I think you're wrong about.
I know I've only just gotten here, have only known you for a month... And it's probably overstepping my boundaries a lot, and I'm really, really sorry.
[It's awful. Who does he think he is? Naegi's already told Hinata almost those exact same words, but... But...]
But I don't... think you were a bad person. Even if you think you were. I know that... things you did were wrong. I know that, I do. But... The Komaeda-san I know now is a good person. A really, really good person. And if... you were able to become a good person here, then that possibility was always within you. That's... what I think, at least.
Or... maybe I'm just too dumb and too forgiving. [Naegi laughs, self-depricating, and this time a tear is actually falling down the left side of his face.] I mean... Both you and Hinata-san have told me that you were bad people before, and yet I still care about and look up to the two of you so much... And my classmates... They've done such terrible things, even killed each other or tried to and... And I still care about them so much and hold them in my heart.
[And it happens there. Both sides of his face, wet now.]
It's... so stupid, isn't it...?
10/9 action cw: suicide mentions
Date: 2016-10-29 02:04 pm (UTC)[He hesitates for a moment before he adds a touch softly.] I worry for your heart. You're carrying so much grief along side that love of your friends. ...if we talk about it maybe that weight will be easier. If not with me, with someone.
[Naegi is upset because he had considered and had killed himself in the program. After what Enoshima had said he'd worried he'd lose his very special underclassmen's friendship. But like that one time...] Sit on the couch after you dry your eyes. I'll bring the tea out.
...you're also a good person you know.
10/9 action
Date: 2016-10-29 06:48 pm (UTC)Komaeda-san...
[A few more tears fall - why do his shoulders feel this wet? - and then Naegi quickly scrunches his eyes shut and swipes at his cheeks, feeling embarrassed and guilty.]
Terrible... I'm terrible... I came here to ask about Nanami and made this about me...
I... know I need to talk about this with someone. There's a lot of things my friends and I went through... A lot of horrible things we saw. But... how can I do that now, at a time like this...?
[He'd meant to talk to Hinata. Should have. They'd promised to share their burdens about the killing games... But he'd been gone for two weeks, and then when he'd gotten back Nanami was gone... And how could Naegi burden his senpai - any of his senpai - with his own problems when the pain of losing Nanami was so fresh...?
Just like now.]
I don't want to burden you right now, though... Especially not while talking about this. You... You were so upset just a short while ago, it started snowing...
[He squeezes his eyes shut again at the thought. But he gets himself together again, and against the voice that keeps screaming "no" at him, sits down on the couch.
He shouldn't... Not when Komaeda is upset, and he still needs to ask things about Nanami that will probably upset him more... But...
His heart is so heavy.]
I... don't feel like a good person at all right now... [Naegi's fingers twist together in his lap. Something in him had felt lighter at those last words, but it gets buried under the guilt.] Not when I've troubled you so much.
10/9 action
Date: 2016-11-01 08:44 am (UTC)[He turns the spoon in his mug.] is what Junko does. She finds the cracks in someone's gestalt and spends a few minutes taking precision strikes at them. Sometimes it fails. Other times,
[He makes a sweeping gesture with one arm to encompass Naegi.] It's like a sledgehammer to a front door to a lot of other problems.
10/9 action
Date: 2016-11-07 12:52 am (UTC)I wish I had known it would be like this... I mean, it's not like I planned on running into her, or to end up talking to her about anything, but... I should've run away, the moment I saw her. Leaving before I did would've been difficult, but I should've tried anyway.
[His grip around the mug tightens ever so slightly. Naegi has really been a fool today.]
...That's a really good description of what she does, though. If Enoshima-san hadn't dug up so many things, I probably would've just... bottled things up and not brought it up for a long time...
[He still kind of wants to, honestly. Just wants to go on and keep pretending to be fine, even when he's probably not.
...But he shouldn't, really. He can't, actually - not when Komaeda's been this kind to him and tried to get him to talk.]
10/9 action
Date: 2016-11-07 05:26 pm (UTC)[He turns and heads for the staircase. The upper floors contain his work room and the gym. It had been an understanding that the bedroom not move. Komaeda ascends the stairs and pushes open the first door on the left. Inside the floor is wood panels and the walls painted with forest scenes. At the front of the room a bowl of water rests beside a bag of stones.] This is my teaching room. I guide students here to release their emotions and take control of them.
As we talk, I can teach you the first steps. It's quite simple! You will hold the bowl of water in your lap. However it is effected will show us a glimpse of how the flow of your life affects the world around you.
Re: 10/9 action
Date: 2016-11-14 05:40 am (UTC)[Carefully, Naegi listens to Komaeda's explanation. As he says, it seems simple, but...]
I... have to admit, I'm a little bit nervous. I kind of want to know what the water will show, but at the same time... I'm a little afraid of it.
[Because ever since he's woken up in that classroom, Naegi's life has felt like a complete and utter mess. He can't imagine that there's anything good that the water bowl will reveal.
But.]
...I trust you, though, Komaeda-san. [And being able to say that and mean it is such a relief for Naegi.
Good job at failing, Enoshima.] If you think this will work, I'll try it.[Naegi takes a seat on the ground. He almost sits seiza, then reconsiders and crosses his legs instead, setting the bowl down on his calves.
He gasps a little when the water twists a bit before smoothing out again.]
10/9 action
Date: 2016-11-14 08:31 pm (UTC)We're constantly releasing emotional energy. Without our conscious will converting and releasing it as something harmless, it manifests in other ways!
As you well know.
[The stones are smooth as he picks up one and holds it over the bowl.] Back in Shaarnath, the instructors taught us to look for the patterns in our emotional energy. Look for that...and thank you for trusting me. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Nanami.
...Tell me how you're feeling. Ah, and what effects you've seen manifest around you and for what.
10/9 action
Date: 2016-11-20 08:43 am (UTC)[Naegi's eyes are downcast, but he isn't paying attention to the water very closely, so he doesn't notice how it momentarily twists into something like a knot before evening out. This is probably a good transition point, though.]
As for how I'm feeling... Sad and upset. [The water stirs again, just gentle ripples at first.] Guilty, I suppose, for making you talk about such difficult things. Longing and grief, for the friends I lost during the Mutual Killing Game. [As Naegi speaks, the water is no longer just simple ripples, but it swirls as if someone is stirring it with a spoon, getting stronger and more noticeable as Naegi continues to talk.] Also, this might sound odd, but... I feel relieved. [At this point, the water swiftly calms down.] Relieved that I'm talking with you and trust you. Relieved that Enoshima-san didn't break things as badly as I had feared.
In terms of emotional effects... There's still some things I don't recognize as easily, but I think I have a fairly good idea of which emotions cause what things. Happiness, hope, and trust... The air will shine bright around me if I feel any of them, and sometimes if my hope is very strong, plants will grow nearby. Fear, sadness, or despair seems to be the opposite, because the air will become dark and shadowed around me instead if I feel any of those. And then anger causes fire, like that time with Enoshima-san. I think there may be one other emotion that causes that, like intense panic, but I can't be completely sure.
no subject
Date: 2016-11-21 05:47 pm (UTC)The next step is to look at how the energy is projected from you. You are the source of the flame, the light, the growth, and death. Despite how they manifest that energy streams from your body in patterns. Watch the water.
[He waits for the count of two and let go of every restraint, every chain he imposes on himself. Naegi extended his trust, he would show him how deep the darkness goes. He grabs for the past and focuses on how it felt to be required to seek only despair. Chains rattle in the shadows, manifesting as his body becomes thinner, his hair wilder, and eyes dark with madness. Straight sharp lines cut across the water like swords.
He holds onto that boundless despair and turns it the other way. Gold light spills out like the first rays of the dawn, forming glimmering scales and bright dragons of light. The water swirls as it forms a cyclone that rises up out of the bowl. If his despair had been like a blade carving up targets, his hope is a hurricane. Slowly the light draws back as he puts the iron bars of control back into place. The water returns to the bowl. Komaeda drops his hands to the wood.] Focus on memories associated with the emotion you choose and watch how the water responds.
The more you practice the more you can consciously work that bit of energy and learn how it flows from you.
no subject
Date: 2016-12-12 05:09 am (UTC)...I'll try it, though.
[He almost goes directly to a memory closesly associated with his grief, but Naegi is still nervous about what kind of result that's going to yield, so he opts to choose something he knows better first. Anger is an emotion he's learned to control a lot more since his arrival, so he decides to focus on a memory associated with it.
...Perhaps that's not the best choice.
Naegi thinks of seeing Enoshima for the first time when he arrived and how much she had riled him. It melds into what he'd experienced a short while ago with her, how raw it had felt to have her call into question everyone he's come to care about.
It's a mistake, probably, because Naegi doesn't take into account how much it's going to effect him - or how the water instantly begins to boil, rolling like a kettle left on just a little too long. Naegi gasps and jerks back, trying to calm down.]
S-sorry! I'm sorry, I didn't think...