Messenger Box

[eyeswideopen]

If you need to get a hold of Komaeda, here's where you do it.

Messenger birds, action, what have you.

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[gottacatch]

[ Without looking a ball is in Red's hand, clipped off from his belt, red and white and with the lightest scratch marks that revealing age and use, but care as well in its lack of dirt. It swaps between both hands in an exchange for a few turns, before he closes his eyes with a thought, positioned between both.

Purple smoke emerges, leaking out from no gap but through Red's hands and outwards like a small cloud. It doesn't fade when Red abruptly opens his eyes, but hangs around without a thought from the trainer, who seems far interested in other things. ]

Okay! I'll need to let Gengar out, but as for you, I'll need you to hold my -- [ hand? does he want to say hand? ...don't get weird now ] my hand.

[ Here. He's taking Komaeda's hand for himself, squeezing it tightly. Forget that just now. ]

Some people like to take a trip where the sun is... but you should think about wearing a coat, if you want -- we can stay warm other ways!

[ Red that is not the time to grin and look close to winking, nor is it the most appropriate moment to let out Gengar, whose presence welcomes a chill into the air. Yet she's not sticking around, already falling down into the ground itself upon her release, with a low groan a small clawed hand doing a childish wave to them as she drops down in what appears to be a body of darkness.

Which grows out, slowly, and slowly, melding into their shadows, and farther out. That's normal. ]

[eyeswideopen]

Ha, I am wearing a coat! But I'll keep that in mind. [His eyes haven't left the scene unfolding before him since it stared. The exhaustion he'd been feeling drains away enough for his senses to be alert to subtle changes in the air. His eyes are locked on where Gengar had been.

Had she waved? He trusts Red completely. Or he would be a lot more nervous about the growing darkness. It's strange, the simple warmth of another person's hand can calm down the rapidly beating heart.]

...definitely will keep it in mind.

[gottacatch]

[ Red thinks he can feel Komaeda's uneasy heartbeat with palm against palm in those first few short seconds, and he's sure it's about Gengar, perhaps just because from how unsettling she's been to many. How she could be at times to him, really.

Yet it doesn't shake off his smile, settling it into an encouraging place, his voice softening, but still with that same old cheer. His eyes are locked onto Komaeda, some other force than just their focus on Komaeda asking them to give the same attention, some silent 'look here' that doesn't force, but can be hard to resist. Dunamis. ]

Despite the way Gengar can be, you know... [ His lifts their hands up between them. ] She's amazing.

[ And then--

there was nothing but them, and a surrounding darkness.

Or so it may seem, for what must be a few seconds, with their focus on each other. Their eyes can break, and without even anything to signal why, there's a slight raise to Red's eyes, snapping that fixed look that might've been unnerving despite the soft features of Red's face.

But it wasn't just dark. There was light. A hundred, thousand, uncountable dotted lights within what made the sky above, and a full bright moon in full illumination. They bask down, to where the ground beneath them lacks grass, dirt: it's stone, and it's cold, and the reason for that floats within the waters that spread outward from the small island they're standing on, a cavern that goes deeper in at Komaeda's back, rocks and even stakes of ice sprinkled around.

And stars within those waters, swaying as if in a slow dance. The chill welcomed their cheeks, and the sound of the night, of waters alive and peaceful around them, told them how far they were from cities of people. Patterns might be found in that sky, but only so far could it be observed with any detailed, within the circle of the island and its surroundings. To get too greedy or to search too far out would reveal the fading corners of a memory, the extent of the illusion.

But it was easy to miss, with everything else directly around them as real as life, the capabilities of an illusionist and her trainer in sync. Red doesn't need to look around, to begin with. He knows where they are, and there's a breath he needs to take in, to shut his eyes and exhale it. ]

...I thought about this place, not that long ago. It made me think of you because of the stars I saw when I came here. It was beautiful and mystifying all at once... I never thought about a place like that before.

Mmm, [ he opens his eyes, humour in his words ] but you're warmer than this!

[eyeswideopen]

[He resists the pull at first, convinced he'll look up and Gengar will let some of Enoshima's despair out. After what he'd witnessed in his memories...he might slip up if that happens. Instead there's Red, reliable and steady with that dash of boyish humor that makes it so easy to relax around him. The tension in his shoulders eases, letting him smile just a little back at him.

Even when the world goes utterly dark he never loses faith. It's the cold he notices first. It penetrates his long grey coat and almost seeps through his cream colored cardigan until he steps closer to Red, and focuses on warmth. It swirls around them like a small controlled storm of warm air. He glances around and stops.

The stones beneath their feet and the ice cause his eyes to rove from one sight to the next. It's a place so far removed from people and cities that it feels like they're the only ones in the world. It's incredible. His mouth moves as if he wants to say something but instead he looks up. Red's voice to his left only adds to the scenery.]

...it's...it's so incredible...so... [Komaeda drops his gaze from the heavens to stare at Red and smiles back.] I would hope I'm warmer than this! But ah, being like this place would never be a bad thing at all. ...where are we?

[gottacatch]

[ The look on Komaeda is so grand. He wants to encourage more of it, keep it -- to weave into this moment something so magical for him, and let it be something of his own for this moment so he can relax further. A thousand little feelings like all those little stars, inside his chest. It increases the warmth between them, gently. ]

One of the twin islands at the south of Kanto's region, the Seafoam Islands. [ There's some drama to his voice, just a small theatrics in his delivery kept soft despite them, with his free hand stretching to direct. ]

You have Cinnabar Island to the west, [ a volcanic island being approached from the sea beats into existence like the thump of the heart upon the surface of a sky, a blue sunny day and buildings of a small modern town fading slowly away back into night ] and Fuchsia City northeast of here.

[ A small city of Japanese architecture, of old and new coming together and mixing upon hill land comes, and slowly fades, in the same way, like fireworks sizzling out of existence. ]

But the swim is long... swimmers come all the way out here to train. It's peaceful too, on the surface. Inside...

[ Red takes another deep breath where he closes his eyes, silence drifting in around them. ...and then he laughs lightly, head tilting, eyes coming back into view. ]

...That's a lot to show at once. Gengar's great, but it's my memories she's using! [ His energy as well, but no need to bring that to attention too much. ] And if you're tired... you should relax.

[ He slips down, letting go of Komaeda, into a cross-legged position. ] Just for a while.

[eyeswideopen]

[All at once he's reminded of just how tired he is. He sinks down, folding his legs under him. Sleep isn't going to come to him. Not even in this distant place far from all that he knows. Maybe especially because of that.]

...what's this island called? [Komaeda glances back at the cave mouth while the images he's seen dance in his mind like ripples upon a pond.]

....it's I've never seen a place I could go to safely that has this much ice around.

[gottacatch]

Both of the islands are called the Seafoam Islands. [ He lifts a single shoulder. ] It's the only name I know about, other than the Twin Islands.

[ The daytime was probably more relaxing than the night, but then, there'd be no memory of the stars to share, and what a shame that would be. The laugh this time Red gives is bright, and he leans a little with elbows on his legs. ]

I didn't know these islands existed until I became a trainer! There's Mt. Silver to the north of Kanto where the mountain range is all snow, but this is the coldest place down here! It's right next to Cinnabar Island, too. [ And did you see that volcano, what a mountain. He pauses. ] There was a myth...

[ His fingers drum once soundlessly on his trousers. ] The myth said these islands are where a legendary flying pokémon first came down to rest in Kanto -- the winged legendary with control over ice: Articuno. When it slumbered, both of the islands became covered in a beautiful ice that never melted away, and made the waters that didn't freeze dangerous, to keep any from disturbing it.

I did find Articuno deep below, too. [ He tells it with the point of a finger to the ground and an expression that says yes, he did challenge that legendary pokémon. ] I think the other island actually has less ice...but I didn't know about it the night I camped out here. But that was fine, since I was safe: I had my pokémon with me.

[ Simply said, but it was simple to him. ]

I bet you have a lot more than the last time you saw a place with this much ice, too. As tired and dragged down as you get... [ He reaches for Komaeda's hands, turning them for his palms to face upward. ] The world's more open to you than it's ever been.

But it's okay if you need to slow down, sometimes.

[eyeswideopen]

[It feels like Red touched his soul and ran his palm over something he hadn't stopped to consider.

The world's more open to you than it's ever been.

He stares at him his exhaustion forgotten due to a few words. His lips move but nothing comes out. Komaeda starts to shake his head and stops, his face turning red.]

Ah, well... [His laugh is a little awkward.] Would it surprise you to hear...I don't really know how to slow down? I've always been on the move. It's been important to do that.

...what happened when you faced Articuno? What was it like? [He hasn't forgotten Red's advice. It's in his eyes that the matter is not so easily forgotten. ...just. He needs that moment to focus on Red's history to process what he intends to share.]

[gottacatch]

[ It didn't surprise Red at all to hear--not even forgetting Komaeda's illness, and yet the guy pushed through -- even if the road he took wasn't likely to be one of a sound mind.

But that question. Red looks for a good few seconds into the sight of Komaeda's eyes, before finding the palms he's turned to face him, a thumb brushing just a little against the skin as he remembers -- remembers so easily. What was it like?

The memory welcomes itself into Komaeda's mind, like one's reflection upon water, as it welcomes itself into Red's: spikes of ice hang low from above and decide the path below, leading their way, beautiful flames dancing off the body of a creature that reassures safety and trust. But she stops with the sight of their goal found, Red's own feet slowing, everything in his body hushing in the presence of what they see ahead.

Shaped near like a large egg of icy blue, head dipped with a crown of feathers poking out, a long trail of slim feathers dress over the stone that lifts onto the risen ground that it takes to. They wait, as if knowing somehow it had been waiting for them, for anyone who could stand the swallowing currents and dead ends, testing their strength to reach it. The head rises, eyes opening, and with nothing but grace does it ascend into the air before them, twisting with wings spreading out, its crying ringing in their ears the sensation of breathing in sharp, icy air.

Presence, power--the chance to be accepted. They all rush and bring life back inside Red's body abruptly, the feeling of a smile growing unmistakably on Red's face, every desire to prove himself worthy, to show the skills of himself and his pokémon, a thrilling excitement pulsing within every inch of body. He swings out a hand.

'Rapidash--!' ]

It was... [ His real voice breaks through the memory, clearer than the call, yet the trace of that passion left warm on his face, humming off his hands where he can't control his feelings. ] Amazing.

[ He looks younger with that, in the face -- the boy he had been in that cavern, and somehow, so filled with more life, perhaps. The trainer who had everything and didn't doubt himself, the trainer who hadn't failed. The trainer who had more pride in him than he ever had in his life. ]

I battled them. When I did-- it was a test. I was showing it everything I had achieved to that point, everything me and my pokémon were. Each of the legendaries came close to crushing us everytime we faced them. But--we weren't scared. Finding something so amazing and believing I had what it takes to catch them...!

[ There's a laughter, a gleeful laughter, somewhere -- maybe everywhere -- with them. Gengar. Sorry, she feels all that and it's wonderful. It usually means she can beat someone up!!

It breaks whatever emotion was hypnotising Red, laughing a little himself, smiling up at Komaeda's face. ]

Gengar was there when we faced Articuno too. ... She fainted.

[ It's said in the most playful way, smile turning into a grin, and as expected, receives the sound of the fattest tongue blowing a raspberry, before giggling away. ]

[eyeswideopen]

[Everywhere he looks, no matter who shares memories with him. Life is beautiful. He's held spell bound by that moment where Red's life crystalized into a clear path leading through the brambles. He can almost touch all the trials he's faced. To be that sure of yourself...

Once, he'd had that. But his is...complicated.] That's... [Komaeda grins, his excitement on such a glorious moment of hope, passion, and conviction spreading glowing flowers about them. They form a path behind them and into the distance.] Amazing!

Ah, you used that word already but... [He trembles and grasps his friend's hands with brightness shining in his eyes.] I could feel it. You blazed so strongly and...everything about that moment.

For you. For your Pokemon. For Articuno...

It's a tie that binds you together no matter what the distance is between you. Right?

[gottacatch]

[ What a nice addition the flowers were to the illusion, that of Red's form fading back into his presence self with his smile still intact.

He's about to answer, the first letter of a word dying as a hum in his throat as he reconsiders.

But he nods, returns a little more confident. ] Right. Though, I'm a far away from a lot of them now. [ He lifts a hand, as if holding a ball inside it. ] Articuno should have come with me here. But a trainer's never showed up here with six pokémon.

[ Did it count? He flattens his hand, does away with what isn't there, eyeing Komaeda curiously. ]

Do you know that feeling too?

[eyeswideopen]

[Silence. Komaeda stares at Red and peers up at the stars overhead. He doesn't want to answer. Yet despite that desire, his lips move and his quiet breathy voice is hushed.] Until I came to this world, I couldn't even fathom the concept directed at me or me feeling like that.

But as more people important to me leave...I like to think we're still connected. All of you, your voices and hands will always reach me. This is what I choose to believe. [His grey eyes meet Red's again a soft smile on his face.] Is that what you mean?

[gottacatch]

Hmm, uh... maybe?

[ He laughs lightly, the answer dumb, he knows, but it's his first thought, and he relaxes himself and how he's seated, allowing his arms to prop him up beside him. ]

Actually, I was thinking about the feeling when I faced Articuno. But, [ There's a gathering of stars in the eyes before him, but he'll choose of those above. ] I guess... I've never thought being connected to my pokémon when we're apart. Wherever I went, I knew they were safe and there whenever I needed them.

[ His head cants, a look about him like he wants to say more. He's thinking inside as much as he is outloud, and apparently, his thoughts require him to leave his leaned position for a more hunched one. ]

But, when it comes to the people I've met... everyone's left a mark with me! Even if it wasn't life changing, or I don't think about them as much... I won't always remember everything about them or what we did together, or the exact words they said-- [ he lifts a hand to signal around them ] one day I'll forget about this and this feeling. But it'll always stay with me another way -- because experiences and people shape us. It's how we learn.

So, they'll always be with there, with us. [ Smile bright, sure of what he's saying (just a little bit), he finds himself talking easier. ] In ten or fifty years, you'll still be someone who was important to me in this moment. Nothing will change that!

[gottacatch]

--Wait! [ HOLD UP, PAUSE THIS WEIRD TRAIN OF THOUGHT. ] Did a friend go home?!

[ did we miss the very obvious thing buddy are you okay-- ]

[eyeswideopen]

Nothing like that! A friend left in a way but,

dr3 spoilers

[eyeswideopen]

It was a recovered memory of their death. [Memories stay with them, do they? His mind had been falling apart so...what did that mean for him? It's difficult to say. Here at least...he sighs, scrubbing at his face. When did he last sleep for more than a power nap?]

It was terrible. I suppose every death is. I've seen enough of it in my life to know that. But this felt specifically unfair.

[The more words that tumble out...the sharper that sense of grief becomes. The chill in the air is more than just the memory of that night Red made a friend. He looks away and back at him.]

It shouldn't have happened. Remembering it has been difficult! My entire class saw it happen. I've been trying to find a way to keep moving. But it feels like...even the air I breathe is still. We aren't very close, but at the same time our class was united because of her.

...I admired her strength and her hopes, the way she never gave up. Even in the end...she never gave up.

[gottacatch]

[ Red listens quietly, staying quiet a little after Komaeda finishes, too. There's a fine mist that can be faintly seen as he breathes in the cold air, but Red does nothing about it. Let it stay, for now. ]

Have you thought about... [ 'Not moving?' No, that isn't a good way to put (and he already knows the answer), and so he huffs lightly, mouth clamped, a tight expression on his face before it softens. He starts again. ] We have keep moving, sure, but-- have you talked to anyone about it yet? Have you talked about how you feel?

You weren't close, but you admired her. She... [ His lips pinch as he pauses, gaze leaving Komaeda for the ground beside them, then returning again. There's a look more sympathetic on his face, there too in his voice. ]

...isn't this like losing her again? But-- for the very first time.

Still going strong on dr3 spoilers 1/2

[eyeswideopen]

[He stares at the ground. It feels like the grief has settled into his bones. He wants to cling to Chiaki, bury his face in her hair but it isn't her he's lost. Chiaki he loves. Nanami had been their hopeful leader that the grief of losing had given Enoshima a way in to destroying them all.]

...you're the first I've talked to about how I feel about it. [He says, his lips moving slowly. Every word feels dragged out of him. He'd been so focused on Hajime and Chiaki that when he hit his limit, he hadn't even seen it. Maybe he'd even subconsciously encouraged his own burnout. There's no way to know.]

It's a large basis for the hate I felt for Enoshima back then. I had more reasons to loathe her now but, [His laughter is bitter and gentle rain begins to fall. It forms little spikes of ice on the ground. After a few minutes it's clear that the ice and rain are forming the skeleton of a dragon.]

I keep thinking of how unfair it was. I could have dealt with it if we could have helped her! Enoshima killed her to break the whole class. She was used as a tool, Red! It might have been better if it was one motion! But it wasn't! We couldn't do anything for her and had to watch her battle for her life! Alone! While trying to get back to us! [Finally, finally, tears spill down his face, unchecked and he lets them fall.]

In a game that was rigged for her to lose!

[eyeswideopen]

When it was over...I hated her. I hated Enoshima so much I was burned up inside and yet...because she was rewiring our minds without us knowing. I loved her.

Because it would bring me despair to adore her. [Dark shadows swirl around him and he sucks in a harsh breath. No. No despair. Not here.

He turns his thoughts to all the good times their class had had. All the connections he's formed here. The falling rain changes as he reshapes the shadows, the ice, even the rain making it a wash of stars and the deep night instead.]

I won't claim I didn't have a part in what followed. We all did. ...you're right. It's like I lost her for the first time. And I fell for the first time.

...

[He looks to the water, and glances back at the cave Red had faced the legendary bird within.]

I didn't fall this time because I refused to allow it. I think it partly has to do with how much better of a person I am these days. ...and because I'm not alone this time.

[gottacatch]

[ The world shifts around them, and Red only acknowledges it by what he sees from the corners of his eyes, never allowing his focus to leave Komaeda once. The rain makes his head twitch when the drops patter on his skin, but he wipes it away a single time with the back of his hand before giving up on caring.

Because Komaeda's words are a far bigger tidal wave washing over him, and they're what make him really cringe. He can't sit there and take it all and not feel the pain behind them sink into his own chest--to hear them lose someone that way, to not feel the ghost of that same anger for what was done to this person, by Junko, all their misery always leading back to her. It causes a low mist to form around his legs, thickened by the presence of the heat inside it too, the mix of anger and grief combined.

Yet when the mist fades out, that heat doesn't. The world shows itself for the illusion it is when the cold of the temperature leaves to his warmth that isn't engulfing or boiling, but simmering with a passion. It no longer feels like night but like day, closer to reality, but one in summer than that bordering winter.

Red curls his hands into tight fists, one sitting between them as he comes in a little closer again. ]

You won't fall like that. Not again. Junko can't find that kind of power over you again, and even if she found something-- if anything tries to drag you back down, you'll come back up. That's a promise.

I'm not the only one making it either. You are, too. [ He breathes in one of those deep breaths he hasn't in a while, the emotions about it rolling with it; descending, and then rising again, and a smile splits momentarily upon his mouth. ] I know...you won't let yourself go without a fight.

[ There's no room for doubt. With a pause, Red reaches and takes one of Komaeda's hands, still all that passion and intensity in him. He looks at them, judging it, as if not sure himself what to do next-- because no, it isn't enough. So, with no thought for his own legs or the comfort of his body, he finds something better by lifting himself forward enough to swing his arm to press a hand at the back of white hair, for just this time taller than the older guy with his shoulder closer to his chin, and his own head pressed to the side of his. ]

I'm sorry, Komaeda. [ Closer now, the grief that continued to exist beneath all that fire can be sensed, just as the warmth now envelops more with a love and compassion inside every part of Red's body for the friend he holds. It doesn't leave him, even as a small frustration comes out in his next words, which he doesn't say until he's tilted his face more into that hair, that need to comfort and to be there for someone who's grown so important to him so--overwhelming. ]

Don't keep something like this to yourself.

[eyeswideopen]

[He shuts his eyes, pressing his face against Red's shoulder. Grief is something he used to just ignore, tossing it aside because there wasn't a point. People who got close to him, he let get close. They died. That's how it was. Their deaths lead to something better.

Usually.

This...Nanami's death had only made him scramble to find a reason. It had been so pointless! It wasn't going to lead anywhere and his mind could only find one thing to say. She was a stepping stone for some far off hope. Somehow. She could forgive him for that right? Komaeda doesn't realize he's grabbed at Red's back until he is aware that hitched shuddering breaths are his own.

Red had said not to keep it in.] You're right...keeping this in all this time.

[He laughs, breathy and soft, but there's no joy to it.] It hurt. It feels like it's just pouring out, like water...like the way we all drowned in our despair. I won't do that again. I told you, there are voices that will always be heard even when I'm in the deep dark.

...you're one of those. I'm grateful for every day we get to share. Even more so now that I know what it's like to really feel loss. ...I knew it before. But, all of it became dull over time.

[gottacatch]

I don't want it to be that way for you anymore.

[ Because he understands the meaning for it, and it hurts to even hear the words there, the pain building in his own chest. It makes stars flicker and blur in the sky, his concentration and energy woven with Gengar's waning all this time, but the illusion--nor how real it appears--really matters anymore.

Gengar works to ease the burden on both of them (the stars don't need to extend that far, the waters don't need to move--) as Red holds Komaeda close to him, speaking without rush to his words, and only honesty. ]

...Losing someone is the most horrible pain I know. You can't do anything but wait until you breathe easier. No one can tell you when it'll come, or how to do it... you just find a way. [ His voice grows softer, like a murmur, after a pause. ]

You'll always hurt as much as you cared.

[ The words make his heart feel raw, and he falls silent to let himself breathe, recognising how personal he's allowing this to be. He's said it before--to Komaeda, and also earlier that day to Elios. It was likely the one thing he was sure in when it came how emotions worked.

The one thing he didn't have to think about, when he'd experienced it for himself. ]

I don't know if grieving is about honouring them...I just know it's something you have to do. For yourself. Because you had them, and now they're gone. [ The pain begins to rise, up into his throat. ] You cared for her and you wanted more for her. ...We want people to die peacefully, or without pain...

She wasn't allowed that. And you have to find your own peace with that.

[ He couldn't pretty it up in any way. It wouldn't be fair to the girl who died. ]

Just remember...she didn't die because you weren't strong enough. Never blame yourself--none of you.

cw: murder description

[eyeswideopen]

[All of his despair, all of his worry, all the anxiety and pain and regrets, everything he had stuffed away into the deepest recesses of himself like he always did, all of it surges up in an unbearable pressure. He lets it out, and it floods through him and down his face. He can't stop and there's some kind of relief in it.

Red's words are like a road letting him know that eventually, as his fingers cling tightly to him, it will ebb to bearable levels.]

She died because someone made a choice. Killing Enoshima won't bring her back. I don't want to kill anyone unless I have to. I'll fight to protect...so I don't have to go through this again. So no one else has to.

[His throat had closed up sometime between protect and the rest. He finally pulls back and wipes at his eyes with the heel of his palm.] ...Sorry, I'm as well as I can be. Hajime was her friend so I focused so much on his worries.

[gottacatch]

[ Red doesn't stir over how damp that part of his jacket must be getting. It'd be too late anyway, for the crying Komaeda has already done, and he rubs the hand at his back sometime during it, remembering the motion as something his mother used to do, when he was younger and had less to spill tears over.

And what Komaeda says back to him is a reassurance for him, one that he's happy to hear, though there's not much space for happiness to be felt amongst everything else. He lets him pull back when Red feels him doing so, his hands falling to his lap and his eyes a little red, but he has a lot less to wipe away at than Komaeda. ]

Don't say sorry. You're my friend. [ And-- he's happy for how he can say that easily and believe in it without a doubt, a smiling warming his face. ] You care for... --you love him, [ don't mind the way his face twitches with embarrassment there, quickly, ] so of course you'd put all your attention into his wellbeing. Next time... when you feel like this, it's okay to reach out for a friend. It's not burdening them.

[ The darkness continues to exist around them, a cluster of stars twinkling right above their heads. ]

We can stay here a little longer, if you want. Gengar's getting tired-- it's the longest she's done this, but it's okay if we stay just here.

Just until you're ready to go back.

[eyeswideopen]

[He looks up at the star filled sky. Gengar is getting tired. That decides it for him.]

I'm ready. Will you permit me to buy you hot drink when we return? The both of you have given me something I needed and I want to share my appreciation with you. [Gengar is included. She did a lot of hard work and that desires a mention and a expression of gratitude. Komaeda calls up water into his cupped hands and splashes it on his face. It will help with the sting in his eyes.]

So whatever Gengar needs to recharge...I want to help her as well. ...you couldn't be more right. I shouldn't hold grief in. Next time, I'd like to just invite you to talk or take a walk. Simple moments like that help make this...easier to bear.