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Komaeda Nagito
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[Action; 7/7]
Date: 2016-07-09 07:54 pm (UTC)Even if you're not asking it's always felt like it.
He hadn't asked for anything. Hadn't expected anything. Hadn't even meant for Hinata to ever know. Because to care leads to pain. To the death of whoever was dumb enough to step into his orbit. Like a fool he forgot that because here no one has died to his luck. It's been safe. People smile when they see him. Ask for his advice. Look to him for wisdom. He's not invisible.
The way he and Hinata have been here. It's been confusing, frustrating, but at the same time when it was good he wanted to sink into it and never come out. Life has been richer, despite all the hurt that bubbled up inside him the longer he was left without an answer. Had it all been worth that agony?
If it ended tomorrow because Hinata has made a choice...
His shoulders shake, and he bows his head, laughter spilling out. It's all he knows how to do. People die? Laugh. Bleeding out? Laugh. Laugh and laugh, and laugh because that's all there is in his rotting head. He lets go of her hands and buries his in his hair and clenches the strands but doesn't yank them out.]
Yes. Despite everything I can only think of the good moments to...to believe that! It's a lot like my cycling luck. I can't hate the talent that society deems me worthy with! It's a curse I can't escape and love feels a lot like that but...
[He drops his hands and stares at them, as seeing them for the first time.]
It's worth it. Because for a moment it's just...being Nagito. That's it. It should be boring to be someone as foolish as I am but, it's not. It's like how master talks about a person's life being a star.
For one moment, I'm visible when I never was before then. Being needed. Being loved. That's all I've ever wanted!
[Action; 7/7]
Date: 2016-07-10 03:55 am (UTC)It's what made them so easy for Enoshima to manipulate.]
You know that you and the others of our class are the only people who have seen me as Sonia, instead of the princess, right? My first friends in my entire life. And you have been so kind and helpful since I arrived. I'm not sure what I would have done if you hadn't helped me, Komaeda-san.
[She retakes his hands, squeezing them.]
No matter what anyone else says or does, I am glad that I have gotten to know you... Nagito-kun.
[Action; 7/7]
Date: 2016-07-10 04:08 am (UTC)Did he?
Komaeda stares at her, her warm hands around his slightly colder ones. A tremor runs through him and he barely quells it. All his life he just wanted to be seen. Loved. Appreciated. To stand in the spotlight.
He holds fast to her hands and bows his head as the shaking he'd fought against just has its way. He's so tired.]
...thank you, Sonia. I'm grateful. Even if I lose my mind or whatever else can happen! Never forget that I'm grateful you spend time with me.
[Action; 7/7]
Date: 2016-07-10 04:13 am (UTC)Well, if you should lose your mind, you'll be in good company, right? No matter what happens, I want you to remember that we are friends. If you need someone to talk to, I would be more than happy to listen to your concerns.
You don't even have to listen to mine. You've done so much for me already.
[Action; 7/7]
Date: 2016-07-10 04:26 am (UTC)What kind of friend would I be if I didn't listen to your problems? It's not fair to ask and ask more of you, and not give back.
Look where that got me...no. I'll always listen to what you have to say, and...appreciate this bond between us.
[Action; 7/7]
Date: 2016-07-10 05:08 am (UTC)It has been nice to have friends that I can talk to. Don't worry about taking advantage of me. I can handle myself fairly well. If you step over the line, I shall just have to put my foot out, yes?
[She's gotten so much better, but speaking thirty different languages makes it hard to keep some words straight.]
[Action; 7/7]
Date: 2016-07-10 05:21 am (UTC)Ahaha, but I still don't know what to do. Hinata did say in that fight that he loves me...but he loves Nanami too.
He seemed to think I asked him to chose but. ...I told him from the start I'd be fine just being by him.
...
[His fingers dig into the back of his neck, just hard enough to feel the pressure. He wants to inflict the pain that used to be so grounding. Instead he just repeats the gesture.]
I don't think he meant to be cruel like that. He's...scared. But once he hugged me, I couldn't take our conversation anymore. Nothing was solved.
There's just...more to lose on one side of the scales.
[Action; 7/7]
Date: 2016-07-11 06:18 am (UTC)Oh, yes, I could see how that would be a better word.
[The rest of his conversation causes her to sigh and fills her with the desire to shake Hinata until some brains wake u in his head. What she does is takes his hand from off of his neck and hold them, applying some pressure so that he knows she won't let him hurt himself with her there.]
He is a typical stupid boy. Honestly, this sounds like the plot to a few dramas that I've watched and the main character always waffles on who he selects until he is forced to make a choice. And then he is never pleased.
I know that this isn't a drama, however, and I am worried more about your feelings than Hinata-san's. He will eventually be fine, no matter what he does. His choice affects all three of you, and that has me worried. His indecision is crueler than if he made up his mind.
If there is anything that I can do to help, including clubbing him over the head, please let me know.
[Action; 7/7]
Date: 2016-07-11 06:50 am (UTC)But like this nothing is being solved. I'm not sure he entirely gets what this is doing to me. I wouldn't be surprised if that's the cause. But I don't know.
[He really just wants to bury the hurts and move on. The world can turn terrible in an instant. Hinata had reminded him of that fact. One moment his eyes burned him, and the next he was moving away. Over and over again. But there was nothing better to balance out the stress it built up inside him.]
I would be fine eventually, whatever he decides. Ah, but there's really no need to attack him over this! He feels what he feels. Neither you or I can change that.
...Ahaha, I just wish. I just wish he had a better understanding so he can make up his mind sooner than later.
[Action; 7/7]
Date: 2016-07-13 03:13 am (UTC)[She wouldn't object to Hinata being with both Nagito and Nanami if it makes them all happy. That is, after all, what she wants for all of her friends and classmates, what they all deserve: a second chance.]
Until he can make up his mind, you don't have to wait for him. And he should make up his mind. It's unfair of him to leave you in lingo. I will stand by your side no matter what outcome. That's what friends are supposed to do, yes?
[Action; 7/7]
Date: 2016-07-14 04:22 am (UTC)But there was no one else that appealed to his interests. Once, there might have been. Now, love just seems like one of those lies people believe in that never really work out. Not for people like him, anyway.]
...Even if I don't wait for him any longer, I really don't have a desire to be with anyone else.
[He can't quite hide the pain in his voice. By now there's really no point.]
Not for a very long time.
[It's in his eyes, 'if ever'. Happiness can be had without having a partner, can't it? He had been happy here before Hinata appeared. He'd...Komaeda shuts his eyes, his head bowed.]
This has caused me some...difficulties in serving Peromei and the people properly. I know I deserve to be happy. But haha, maybe.
[He looks back at up her with a self-depreicating smile on his face.]
Maybe relationships just aren't for me.
[Action; 7/7]
Date: 2016-07-14 04:40 am (UTC)Hm, it doesn't matter if you are with someone or not, does it? If you have a significant other, that doesn't keep you from being Komaeda Nagito. It doesn't make you any less my friend, or the representative to Peromei or your master's student. Defining our self-worth through other people is a dangerous game, though you and I have both been victim to it.
[She drops Nagito's hands and wraps her arms around his neck in a tight hug.]
No matter what happens, you are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. Remember that you are worthy of everything you want. Ultimate Lucky Student or not.
[Action; 7/7]
Date: 2016-07-14 03:46 pm (UTC)For a second he doesn't know what to do. With Hinata it had been so simple. He invited touch, and touched him back. They'd only hugged once. Despite what he'd said to Silver, hugs were special. Only for those moments someone was really hurt. Only Sanae had hugged him every time she saw him.
He doesn't realize he's shaking until his mind catches up with events. Komaeda enfolds her in his arms, burying his face against her neck. He can feel every breath she takes and the thudding of a heart other than his.
If only he could believe he was worthy of anything.]
...Sonia, I feel so tired.
[Action; 7/7]
Date: 2016-07-15 05:04 am (UTC)It's been a long day. Go to bed and rest. If you want, I can stay here in the living room; you don't have to be alone tonight.
[Action; 7/7]
Date: 2016-07-15 06:23 am (UTC)He ducks his head and his smile is easy, seemingly light. They both know better than to believe that. It's the only way he knows how to cope sometimes. Most of the time.
But that's the problem. Living with Hinata. Loving him had dragged up wants for things he can't and shouldn't want. The idea that when he came home at night the lights could be on and the house warm. If he got hurt, someone being there.
Someone asking him about his day. Telling him they were glad he made it when he dragged himself home from a battle for the sake of the city. And being told he was loved...]
...no. No, it's alright. If I need anything I'll call you.
[He slowly climbs to his feet, and smiles one more time.] I'll get some sleep. Ha, I do have work in the morning!
[Action; 7/7]
Date: 2016-07-16 04:09 am (UTC)Please do. You know that I will come over as soon as you call.
[Finally, she lets go and manages a smile.]
Sleep well. I'll see you later.
[Action; 7/7]
Date: 2016-07-16 04:23 am (UTC)Take care, I'll see you to the door.
[He doesn't speak as he leads her to his front door. As a good host he opens it and let's her out. The night air brushes against his face and he briefly considers a walk. It's a bad idea. His feet will take him to the place they shouldn't.
Hinata...loves him and yet.
He clenches his fingers into fists and watches Sonia go. Once he's sure she'll be fine, he turns away, heading back inside. Just as he reaches his doorway, his face falls. The light from inside shows it clearly. Tension has entered his spine and shoulders. He looks like a man backed into a corner, outnumbered and injured, resigned to his fate, but grimmly determined to stand his ground. His face is neutral, almost blank and empty. But his eyes are of a defeated man.
He shakes his head at himself and steps inside, shutting the door behind him. He had a duty to Peromei. He has to maintain himself, or he had no business being her representative. His hopes remain even if he feels like a thousand miles of bad road. As long as there's hope, he can make it through.
He always does.]