Messenger Box

[eyeswideopen]

If you need to get a hold of Komaeda, here's where you do it.

Messenger birds, action, what have you.

Comments

[Action; 7/7]

[properprincess]

[She's quiet as she listens to Komaeda describe the extent of his relationship with Hinata. She can admit that at some point, she's found their mutual friend handsome, sort of, but he isn't really her type and so they've stayed very platonic.

But, she's honestly worried about her friend in front of her. She debates reaching out to reassure him, but they aren't that close yet. The fact that he's admitted so much to her is a good sign, but she doesn't want to overstep any boundaries with him.]

Seeking comfort from someone you care about isn't something you should be ashamed of. It's normal, Komaeda-san. And when you have feelings for someone, it's natural that you should respond to them.

[She closes her eyes in an attempt to not make this conversation too personal for her, but she's already thought about him before.]

It's harder for the person who has left themselves vulnerable to someone who doesn't speak about their own feelings. Especially when one moment it seems as if they return your affection and in the next they are drawing away without a word as to why.

[Action; 7/7]

[eyeswideopen]

[That's...that's it. He wilts, his hands tightening on his mug until the heat almost burns him. It isn't bad to want someone. To love. He knows that but how far he went, what he had done. It had been foolish.

Stupid.

And he could lose it and he wouldn't-] I realized I can't keep behaving like this. We came very close to a point of no return recently. If we hadn't wised up...

[He shakes his head, his smile returning like a razor wire. Tight and easy to snap.] Nanami arriving made me realize how much hurt I'd set myself up for. So I had to pull back. He noticed. And that's why we fought.

[Action; 7/7]

[properprincess]

[She carefully pries the cup from his hand, trying to keep it from both burning him and breaking under the pressure of his tightly squeezed hands. His safety is important, whether he cares or not, but it is to her.]

You had to protect yourself, but it still hurts.

[She gives him a pale, washed-out smile, full of her affection for him.]

I do understand. I suppose it was a little easier for me, that I was able to openly cry at that time, despite his remonstrances. I didn't have another person to contend with...just our circumstances.

Hinata-san is...a kind person, but he's an idiot. He doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so he leaves it open to hurt everyone's. But, the thing is that he lies the most to himself. You have always been fairly honest, Komaeda-san. Even when you despised the rest of us for the things we all did before, you never...backpedaled. I have seen Hinata-san do that a few times just since my own arrival. It's cruel and hurtful, and he probably doesn't even notice it.

[Action; 7/7]

[eyeswideopen]

[Without a word spoken, he turns his hands to clasp hers. She had bridged the gap and he's starving to have this kind of contact. Just this. It's enough. His smile is a bit more brittle. She keeps saying exactly the words that communicate to him she gets it.]

Cilan isn't like that. He seems to commit completely to any venture he makes. But you're not wrong. The way Hinata is... Despite the hurts I still love that about him. He tries and tries and never gives up. But he's not sure of himself as he might claim he is. So he tends to doubt himself or lack awareness where the rest of us can see.

And let's...not lie. I'm not the easiest of people to deal with. Our history makes it all worse. [But sometimes it hadn't seemed to matter at all. In those moments there had been bliss. He loves and will never regret the moments like that.] But you're right as well about me. I never see the point in stepping back. The road is ahead, and dwelling on past things never did much good for me.

So I don't. [The road behind him is littered with corpses.]

[Action; 7/7]

[properprincess]

[She hadn't expected the hand holding, but it's nice nonetheless. A little bit of intimacy from one friend to another, no words needed to share some sympathy with one another. No complications about it.

At the mention of Cilan her cheeks flush and she can't help but smile and nod.]

Yes, Cilan-san is very open and honest. Being around him is very nice, almost natural. But he also doesn't know about our past, so I must tread carefully.

As for yourself and Hinata-san, you don't really have that barrier, and yet you do. None of us are exactly easy to deal with, if we are all honest. Our histories complicate matters and make us all doubt ourselves.

I almost wish that I never found out about my time with her. I've tried to look forward as much as possible, since looking back only confuses me and complicates the day-to-day life that I have here. I have used your progress as an example, but it's not an easy road to travel.

What happens between the two of you is up to you both. I can say that I think he's been extremely unfair to you, because I do, but I can also see that you feel that part of this is your fault as well. With only one of you being honest with yourselves, it's harder to deal with.

I do have a question for you that I would like for you to think about before you answer. Do you feel that Hinata-san is worth all of the trouble you've gone through since your confession? Because it is too late to take it back.

[Action; 7/7]

[eyeswideopen]

[He thinks back to the moment Hinata admitted he loved him. He'd worried about losing him. But the alternative smashed everything he was to pieces. Even now he's not sure he has all the pieces. It's like he's fractured and doesn't know what to do about it. Sometimes he looks down and there's a hole in his chest where his heart is supposed to be. It's an odd feeling.

Even if you're not asking it's always felt like it.

He hadn't asked for anything. Hadn't expected anything. Hadn't even meant for Hinata to ever know. Because to care leads to pain. To the death of whoever was dumb enough to step into his orbit. Like a fool he forgot that because here no one has died to his luck. It's been safe. People smile when they see him. Ask for his advice. Look to him for wisdom. He's not invisible.

The way he and Hinata have been here. It's been confusing, frustrating, but at the same time when it was good he wanted to sink into it and never come out. Life has been richer, despite all the hurt that bubbled up inside him the longer he was left without an answer. Had it all been worth that agony?

If it ended tomorrow because Hinata has made a choice...

His shoulders shake, and he bows his head, laughter spilling out. It's all he knows how to do. People die? Laugh. Bleeding out? Laugh. Laugh and laugh, and laugh because that's all there is in his rotting head. He lets go of her hands and buries his in his hair and clenches the strands but doesn't yank them out.]

Yes. Despite everything I can only think of the good moments to...to believe that! It's a lot like my cycling luck. I can't hate the talent that society deems me worthy with! It's a curse I can't escape and love feels a lot like that but...

[He drops his hands and stares at them, as seeing them for the first time.]

It's worth it. Because for a moment it's just...being Nagito. That's it. It should be boring to be someone as foolish as I am but, it's not. It's like how master talks about a person's life being a star.

For one moment, I'm visible when I never was before then. Being needed. Being loved. That's all I've ever wanted!

[Action; 7/7]

[properprincess]

[She can almost touch his own brand of despair. It's scary and relatable at the same time. It's a part of what she thinks has set her entire class apart, their loneliness and desire to be seen as themselves, not their talents or with the expectations that others heaped on them.

It's what made them so easy for Enoshima to manipulate.]

You know that you and the others of our class are the only people who have seen me as Sonia, instead of the princess, right? My first friends in my entire life. And you have been so kind and helpful since I arrived. I'm not sure what I would have done if you hadn't helped me, Komaeda-san.

[She retakes his hands, squeezing them.]

No matter what anyone else says or does, I am glad that I have gotten to know you... Nagito-kun.

[Action; 7/7]

[eyeswideopen]

[He didn't hear that right.

Did he?

Komaeda stares at her, her warm hands around his slightly colder ones. A tremor runs through him and he barely quells it. All his life he just wanted to be seen. Loved. Appreciated. To stand in the spotlight.

He holds fast to her hands and bows his head as the shaking he'd fought against just has its way. He's so tired.]

...thank you, Sonia. I'm grateful. Even if I lose my mind or whatever else can happen! Never forget that I'm grateful you spend time with me.

[Action; 7/7]

[properprincess]

[She smiles as she shakes his hands gently.]

Well, if you should lose your mind, you'll be in good company, right? No matter what happens, I want you to remember that we are friends. If you need someone to talk to, I would be more than happy to listen to your concerns.

You don't even have to listen to mine. You've done so much for me already.

[Action; 7/7]

[eyeswideopen]

[It shouldn't be funny. But the idea if he loses it he'll be in good company is hilarious. He folds over her hands, and laughs drily.]

What kind of friend would I be if I didn't listen to your problems? It's not fair to ask and ask more of you, and not give back.

Look where that got me...no. I'll always listen to what you have to say, and...appreciate this bond between us.

[Action; 7/7]

[properprincess]

[It's nice to see him laugh more naturally and the fact that she accomplished it with so little effort is also a good thing in her opinion.]

It has been nice to have friends that I can talk to. Don't worry about taking advantage of me. I can handle myself fairly well. If you step over the line, I shall just have to put my foot out, yes?

[She's gotten so much better, but speaking thirty different languages makes it hard to keep some words straight.]

[Action; 7/7]

[eyeswideopen]

That's put your foot down, but foot out would be just as effective. [Sonia is a good friend. He sighs as he rubs at the back of his neck.]

Ahaha, but I still don't know what to do. Hinata did say in that fight that he loves me...but he loves Nanami too.

He seemed to think I asked him to chose but. ...I told him from the start I'd be fine just being by him.

...

[His fingers dig into the back of his neck, just hard enough to feel the pressure. He wants to inflict the pain that used to be so grounding. Instead he just repeats the gesture.]

I don't think he meant to be cruel like that. He's...scared. But once he hugged me, I couldn't take our conversation anymore. Nothing was solved.

There's just...more to lose on one side of the scales.

[Action; 7/7]

[properprincess]

[She flushes a bit at the correction.]

Oh, yes, I could see how that would be a better word.

[The rest of his conversation causes her to sigh and fills her with the desire to shake Hinata until some brains wake u in his head. What she does is takes his hand from off of his neck and hold them, applying some pressure so that he knows she won't let him hurt himself with her there.]

He is a typical stupid boy. Honestly, this sounds like the plot to a few dramas that I've watched and the main character always waffles on who he selects until he is forced to make a choice. And then he is never pleased.

I know that this isn't a drama, however, and I am worried more about your feelings than Hinata-san's. He will eventually be fine, no matter what he does. His choice affects all three of you, and that has me worried. His indecision is crueler than if he made up his mind.

If there is anything that I can do to help, including clubbing him over the head, please let me know.

[Action; 7/7]

[eyeswideopen]

If he wants us both I'd be fine with that. [The words are out before he can stop them. It's his exhaustion making it too easy to talk. Komaeda sighs, studying his and Sonia's hands together. His are not as pale as they used to be. But they're still only slightly darker than hers.]

But like this nothing is being solved. I'm not sure he entirely gets what this is doing to me. I wouldn't be surprised if that's the cause. But I don't know.

[He really just wants to bury the hurts and move on. The world can turn terrible in an instant. Hinata had reminded him of that fact. One moment his eyes burned him, and the next he was moving away. Over and over again. But there was nothing better to balance out the stress it built up inside him.]

I would be fine eventually, whatever he decides. Ah, but there's really no need to attack him over this! He feels what he feels. Neither you or I can change that.

...Ahaha, I just wish. I just wish he had a better understanding so he can make up his mind sooner than later.

[Action; 7/7]

[properprincess]

Please don't sell yourself short. You deserve to be happy, as much as the rest of us do.

[She wouldn't object to Hinata being with both Nagito and Nanami if it makes them all happy. That is, after all, what she wants for all of her friends and classmates, what they all deserve: a second chance.]

Until he can make up his mind, you don't have to wait for him. And he should make up his mind. It's unfair of him to leave you in lingo. I will stand by your side no matter what outcome. That's what friends are supposed to do, yes?

[Action; 7/7]

[eyeswideopen]

That's exactly what friends do, Sonia. [He gently squeezes her hands. It had never occured to him that he could move on without Hinata. It had just seemed important to wait for him to make his decision. Even when they started being something else.

But there was no one else that appealed to his interests. Once, there might have been. Now, love just seems like one of those lies people believe in that never really work out. Not for people like him, anyway.]

...Even if I don't wait for him any longer, I really don't have a desire to be with anyone else.

[He can't quite hide the pain in his voice. By now there's really no point.]

Not for a very long time.

[It's in his eyes, 'if ever'. Happiness can be had without having a partner, can't it? He had been happy here before Hinata appeared. He'd...Komaeda shuts his eyes, his head bowed.]

This has caused me some...difficulties in serving Peromei and the people properly. I know I deserve to be happy. But haha, maybe.

[He looks back at up her with a self-depreicating smile on his face.]

Maybe relationships just aren't for me.

[Action; 7/7]

[properprincess]

[She gives him a gentle smile, not quite bright, but definitely one that shows she cares about him.]

Hm, it doesn't matter if you are with someone or not, does it? If you have a significant other, that doesn't keep you from being Komaeda Nagito. It doesn't make you any less my friend, or the representative to Peromei or your master's student. Defining our self-worth through other people is a dangerous game, though you and I have both been victim to it.

[She drops Nagito's hands and wraps her arms around his neck in a tight hug.]

No matter what happens, you are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. Remember that you are worthy of everything you want. Ultimate Lucky Student or not.

[Action; 7/7]

[eyeswideopen]

[Defining your self worth through others is dangerous. Oh, yes he knows. And for the first time he's aware someone else has suffered in a similiar manner. No one has understood that like she can. But he still locks up when warm arms wrap around his neck.

For a second he doesn't know what to do. With Hinata it had been so simple. He invited touch, and touched him back. They'd only hugged once. Despite what he'd said to Silver, hugs were special. Only for those moments someone was really hurt. Only Sanae had hugged him every time she saw him.

He doesn't realize he's shaking until his mind catches up with events. Komaeda enfolds her in his arms, burying his face against her neck. He can feel every breath she takes and the thudding of a heart other than his.

If only he could believe he was worthy of anything.]

...Sonia, I feel so tired.

[Action; 7/7]

[properprincess]

[She sighs deeply when he hugs her back. It's very nice, reassuring to touch and be touched by someone she likes, even if it's a strictly platonic sort of touching. She lets it continue for a minute before finally pulling away and smoothing his hair from his face like her nanny used to when she was a little girl.]

It's been a long day. Go to bed and rest. If you want, I can stay here in the living room; you don't have to be alone tonight.

[Action; 7/7]

[eyeswideopen]

[He wants to take her up on her offer. The idea of falling asleep with someone around and knowing they'll be there when he wakes up...

He ducks his head and his smile is easy, seemingly light. They both know better than to believe that. It's the only way he knows how to cope sometimes. Most of the time.

But that's the problem. Living with Hinata. Loving him had dragged up wants for things he can't and shouldn't want. The idea that when he came home at night the lights could be on and the house warm. If he got hurt, someone being there.

Someone asking him about his day. Telling him they were glad he made it when he dragged himself home from a battle for the sake of the city. And being told he was loved...]

...no. No, it's alright. If I need anything I'll call you.

[He slowly climbs to his feet, and smiles one more time.] I'll get some sleep. Ha, I do have work in the morning!

[Action; 7/7]

[properprincess]

[She stands as well, worried about his mental and emotional state. She can't help the frown that rests on her face, but she hugs him again anyway, tightly.]

Please do. You know that I will come over as soon as you call.

[Finally, she lets go and manages a smile.]

Sleep well. I'll see you later.

[Action; 7/7]

[eyeswideopen]

[He can't help but lean into the hug and take every scrap of comfort from it he can get. It almost changes his mind. But he can't allow himself this much.]

Take care, I'll see you to the door.

[He doesn't speak as he leads her to his front door. As a good host he opens it and let's her out. The night air brushes against his face and he briefly considers a walk. It's a bad idea. His feet will take him to the place they shouldn't.

Hinata...loves him and yet.

He clenches his fingers into fists and watches Sonia go. Once he's sure she'll be fine, he turns away, heading back inside. Just as he reaches his doorway, his face falls. The light from inside shows it clearly. Tension has entered his spine and shoulders. He looks like a man backed into a corner, outnumbered and injured, resigned to his fate, but grimmly determined to stand his ground. His face is neutral, almost blank and empty. But his eyes are of a defeated man.

He shakes his head at himself and steps inside, shutting the door behind him. He had a duty to Peromei. He has to maintain himself, or he had no business being her representative. His hopes remain even if he feels like a thousand miles of bad road. As long as there's hope, he can make it through.

He always does.]